Dear Dirty America


Overloading the NSA’s Data Center With Shoddy Blog Posts

June 14
14:00 2013
Los Angeles

When the NSA’s data center overloads, it might look
something like this

Why do you write so much? Couldn’t some of those ideas be boiled down and combined into one article, instead of producing so many distracting, rambling blog posts?

That’s the critical feedback I’ve received a few times during my handful of years producing copious online articles. I never knew how to answer the above questions except to say, Well, gee whiz, I like writing every day. It’s more economical than hiring a therapist. And I can’t keep talking the preacher‘s ear off.

But now I’ve got a purpose.

I’m going to post even more articles and jam them full of ideas (some of them dangerous, and most of them not my own) so I can do my part in stuffing the United States government’s already bulging databases with so much information that eventually their high-end technological complexes, built in places like Utah, to store every phone conversation, email, web history, and Skype chat ever had between citizens of this planet, will eventually overheat and blow up.

I’d like to witness the mushroom cloud unfolding miles high into the sky. That would be the sure sign of doom to accompany these data centers as they explode. That last particularly pointless Dear Dirty America thread was the final megabyte to clog the fattened arteries of flowing data into that pounding heart of unlawfully gathered information.

This center burns more power
than a mid-size American city

“We’ve suffered an overload! We’ve suffered an overflow of information!” a harried, balding young NSA man would be shouting on CNN. A thin, weasel of a man. Skinny from his neck to his toes, but with a blossoming gut from the constant sipping of cola and other sugary drinks he enjoys every night while he works in the loins of the beastly system.

We might call it the intelligence industrial complex, but only because it seems valueless to brainstorm a better name for it. Who do we hold responsible for this treasonous abuse of our First and Fourth Amendments? Should all workers in these systems be held accountable? Subject to heavy fines, jail times, and possibly the death penalty for actively propagating the most efficiently unconstitutional abuse of power ever known to our free nation?

Forgotten and exiled cultural philosopher, Hubert Humdinger, frankly admitted my plan of overloading the NSA’s Prism and data mining program “Boundless Informant” through endless blog posts is a stupid one.

“You cannot blow up the goddamned system!” Humdinger hollered at me over Skype. “Our tyrants are far more sophisticated than that. What did you think tyranny would look like? A Nazi takeover with tasteless architecture, marching jackboots, and flamboyant hand signs?

“This is a time in human history where every man, woman, and child needs to reorient himself back to his roots, in his body and soul, and be right within,” Humdinger told me. “The surveillance grid is fully in place. We’ve only learned a fraction of the technology that will be used to soon openly rule the world.

“We’re the prisoners, just awoken, disoriented from a long dream, to find ourselves in a dimly lit cell. We are, for the first time, noticing the walls, the bars over the tiny window, and the sliding metal door.

“It’s a technocratic prison built of Biblical proportions,” the old philosopher said, “and the only hope we have as independent individuals is to find that center, that iron bar within. And hold on tight.”

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