Dear Dirty America

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Your Approval Rating is Plunging, Barack Obama: You Should Grow A Beard

Your Approval Rating is Plunging, Barack Obama: You Should Grow A Beard
July 02
20:47 2014

editor’s note: Upon hearing John Zogby say Obama’s presidency is all over after the latest round of polls showing the president’s plunging approval rating, I thought I’d send him a message through the secure ViaCrypt platform. This is not the first message I’ve sent him (see Mark Zuckerberg Grabs the President’s Ear, Bemoans Mass Surveillance). 

Hon Barack Hussein Obama

Dear Mister President,

I am just a boy of 29 years old who has upon a recent scan of the newspaper headlines learned that nobody (well at least very few!) like you anymore as a president and as a man, too. It’s not your fault. You tried the best you could to keep the scary stuff secret and to avoid offending the moneyed men who put you into the White House in the first place. Far be it from me to rail on a world leader as slick as you, as I am only one year short of 30 and every woman in my life has told me I’m nothing more than a child, but I do say at this juncture there is very little left for you to do but stop the predator drone strikes, the torture, the prosecuting of whistleblowers, and using the Espionage Act against investigative journalists, and, finally, let your whiskers grow long. You’ve got nothing left to give and that is apparent to everybody I talk to as well as every poll being taken out there. Loosen up, let your whiskers fill in your face, and go into hibernation mode. It’ll give you character and maybe people will like you as a man once again.

I know when I grew a spindly beard, a lot of people knew without asking that I didn’t give a shit any more about most things. When you don’t take the proper time to shave in the morning, that lack of action speaks volumes to one’s comrades and the people he meets. The hard lines of the jaw are softened and there is a cozy countenance that comforts people.

When you reply to this encrypted message, and I’ll trust you will answer right off as soon as you get it, please address it to Sir Adam Luebke from Koreatown, Los Angeles, as I have had some nobility in my German lineage that should rightly be acknowledged even by the president.

Signing off,

Adam Luebke

ps. You know many of the ladies like whiskers and it wouldn’t hurt you in that regard either.

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1 Comment

  1. Hairless wonder
    Hairless wonder July 02, 21:28

    Beards are health hazards and the men who sport them are only trying to hide something… Charles Manson had a beard and look what happened to him! And what about all those green smoothie chugging bearded man-children walking around Hollywood these days! Hipsters? Hippies? Hypocrites, I say. Get thee to a barber shoppe!

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