Dear Dirty America

ADAM MICHAEL LUEBKE
Los Angeles

If my first major goal of 2014 is to take the most powerful multivitamin on earth, then my second goal might be to attract Bank of America’s corporate troll teams to belittle and ravage this author. I’d take as much pleasure in that as Paul Newman took when he found he’d made Richard Nixon’s “enemies” list. It was compiled by Chuck Colson, a real son of a bitch who later found Jesus and wiped his bloody slate clean.

As made public by Infowars, or, as one of my lackluster friends named Marlin calls it, InfoInvasion, the following BoA memo was brought to the light by a Washington state public records request:

“If you find any intel on Anarchists or Occupy Protesters please let me know – I will most likely find it first as Social Media trolling is not what the WSP does best,” Kolerich says. “Bank of America has a team of 20 people and that’s all they do all day and then pass it to us around the country!!”

But alas, I usually get a wacky, small crowd of overzealous readers who leave unsettling, if not wildly intelligent, comments. I could use a corporate set of trolls to descend on this site and tear apart every faulty premise it has ever made about multinational corporations and global banks that are sucking our local economies dry.

I guess this is really just a plea to the recently exposed Bank of America trolls who scour the Internet and spend their time eating salty nut rolls with one hand, and clicking through social media sites with the other. The trick, one of my computer troll friends (who does not and would never work for Bank of America) says, is to only eat your sugary morning and afternoon pastries and sweets with your left hand, so as to avoid getting sticky your right hand, the one that operates the mouse, while you analyze online comments from the public and decide how to obnoxiously respond.

A good corporate troll then wipes her left hand all over her jeans and blasts off a derogatory comment, if necessary, or catalogs the website in question into her corporate Excel sheet. BoA’s trolls are known to bark loud. For example, in an article I wrote called Bank of America Awards Fraudulence, Let the Old Utah Gentlemen’s Firing Squad Handle It, a typical troll-response might be, “What do you know about real world business practices, you sucker!”

If I didn’t know that comment was written by a paid minion of a bank that has racked up the United States’ taxpayer around$75 trillion worth of risky derivative exposure, I’d actually feel remorse for having written so harshly about those who grovel in the workrooms of a major financial institution.

After all, it’s supposed to be America’s bank, so why can’t they rape the general populace? We let them take our name. We let them grow fat off of our labor and indentured servitude. We borrowed them our national colors.

If you’re a bunch of sheep and you hand a wolf with an amiable attitude a bundle full of wool, you can only blame your flock for the consequences when the predator comes back disguised and stealthily tears into your friends’ jugular veins.

How did this happen? your fellow sheep ask. Clumps of bloody wool scattered around the field, caught in the grass stubble. But where’s the predator? There are only sheep among us! they say. But alas, look closely! There is a blood-sucker and a sharp-toothed beast with no scruples. Now it’s up to a higher power, like a farmer, tromping through the dark in his underwear and worn work boots, carrying a deer rifle, to identify the violent creature and eradicate it before it destroys the flock.

Because if he doesn’t, the wolf will eat as many sheep as it can manage, and then slip away into the night to terrorize another flock somewhere else.

Enough about sheep and wolves. It’s cliche and predictable. I shouldn’t have even gone there. Hopefully it serves as fuel to bring the BoA troll team out to rip off a few derogatory comments by way of damage control. A bunch of sweaty, filthy yuppie-whores drinking Starbucks specialty drinks trying to stave off the mind-numbing energy-suck of their corporate master.

“Wolves have to eat too, you ignorant hack!” one troll might write. “This fool who wrote the article doesn’t even know how natural predator / prey cycles work!” another should say. “Wolves eat sheep, it’s how it’s been for thousands of years!”

These are good criticisms from paid trolls. Bank of America is a slippery snake to handle. It has grown out of its cage long ago. No man can handle it any longer. It’s going to take the will of the people to capture this creeping thing and corral it. But first we have to make it visible. Its coils are wrapped around nearly every American institution from the local to the national level. The snake has blended with the flag and the cultural background. You’d think the American people enjoyed getting raped by global financial institutions. So where is the snake’s head? It must be struck and knocked cold. Then we can determine how to begin the intricate process of unwrapping it from around our throats.

Enough of this. No more animal talk.

I’ve written multiple articles that should be worthy of BoA’s attention. Their troll team should have paid a visit. I’m not sure why they haven’t, or if I should feed into these miserable feelings of neglect.

[Bank of America posing as an all-American bank; photo by Coolcaesa]