Dear Dirty America

ADAM MICHAEL LUEBKE

I’ve thought long and hard about what I’d do different in 2014 to slough off the horrors of an impoverished, anemic 2013. I’d like this year to be a stand out one, as I’m sure you would too. More financial independence and freedom. More confidence. More happiness. Fewer problems. Fewer keynote speeches from the president. But who can control these kinds of things?

Ultimately, real change comes from within. So I decided the best way to experience new beginnings and pull fresh energy into my life would be to switch up my multivitamin.

When I welcomed in the year 2010, I predicted that would have been the best year to die, because the stability of our nation and our collective psyche was only going downhill, careening toward more profound insanity. I don’t think I was wrong. But I still hold out hope for 2014. This is going to be a banner year.

You might laugh at my enthusiasm for a new multivitamin, but this is no ordinary supplement. One that has the highest doses of hard-to-find herbs and healing plant materials. The vitamins are extracted from red algae found along the coasts of Scotland, as well as organic broccoli and other power foods. This could turn my life around. (I’m serious. Here’s the vitamin.)

A METAPHYSICAL ONE-HIT WONDER…

I will also call my spiritualist less in 2014. He doesn’t give much good advice. His staple response to almost any hardship on earth is the Arabic word, Tawakkul ‘ala Allah. It means, “Trust in God.” It’s hardly sage advice for someone as entangled into worldly affairs as I am, especially for specific problems that you’d think your spiritualist would be able to help you through.

He’s a metaphysical one-hit wonder.That’s what hooked me in. But now I’m going to dump that toad. Who ever heard of an obese spiritual guru? He’s bloated, ugly. Think of the biggest computer game nerd on the planet. That’s him. The wispy hairs on his ruddy chin tell you all you need to know. The one miracle he’s noted for by those who pay attention to these things, is that he can make muffins out of thin air.

Not just any pastry, only one wobbly muffin at a time. The way I understand it, my spiritualist can stack up the right thought impulses in half a dozen or so astral dimensions, and hold those thought impulses until a new muffin is born into this physical world, where energy slows and condenses to create our earthly materials.

It’s not terribly difficult if you believe in miracles and understand energy and thought forms. It’s also not much more than a silly yogi trick. Except that you can eat the miracle when it’s finished. Sadly, my spiritualist’s muffins always come out on the salty side. He’s working on it. This year, he expects to perfect it.

I called him up last evening, hoping for some advice. Do you think it’s time for a new multivitamin? I asked. I mean, a really potent set of vitamins and minerals and rare herbs rolled into one capsule? I think it’ll provide the energy I need to excel in 2014.

I waited for my spiritualist’s nasally voice to come through my phone like little pinpricks to the ear. “Ta-walk-uhl-a-law-a-law!” he said.

OIL PULLING, BUT AT WHAT COST, OH LORD?

I’ve become so annoyed with his one-word advice, I let him have it this time. You could use a better diet yourself, I said. Eating muffins all day. Engorging yourself in your own spiritual bombast. It’s high time you thought about getting your 8 servings of fruit and vegetables with one organic, holistic product. It’s time you thought about taking a real vitamin.

The last time I took his advice (Trust in God!) I got into an ancient health practice called ‘oil pulling’. You take refined, organic coconut oil and scoop a tablespoon into your mouth. You hold the oil there, let it melt, and swish it around your oral cavity for 20 minutes. After that, you spit it into the trashcan.

This is a way to soak up the toxins in the blood and trap them in the oil. It’s a boost for the immune system. Your mouth is one central spot in your body that nurtures the production of harmful bacteria and toxins. Oil pulling assists your immune system like the military calls in air cover for some beleaguered troops in Afghanistan guarding poppy fields.

Unfortunately, coconut oil did not react well to my system. After a week of sitting in quiet contemplation every morning, while watching the sun rise with my mouth full of warm oil, I developed flu-like symptoms. I became fatigued. The muscles in my head tightened. I felt nauseous. I slept for sixteen hours at a time.

“That’s how you know it works,” the holistic healing ranger wrote about oil pulling on her blog. “If your immune system is getting fired up because it realizes the body is becoming detoxified, it’ll feel like you have the flu.” I have no doubt that this was the case. Like an oven self-cleans with extreme heat, I knew my body was cleaning itself from within. But at what cost, oh Lord, at what cost?

My spiritualist was less informative than the health blogger. I feel sick! I told him that week. I feel like I’ve got the flu. I thought you said oil pulling would be a good practice for me. The ancient Indians did it, and blah blah. Get healthy the natural way, you said! Purify the blood. Detoxify the organs. Heal the body and, as a result, gain a foothold on the mind. Why would you let me get into such a disastrous routine? I asked.

My spiritualist didn’t miss a beat. He cut to the backbone of all his wisdom. “Ta-walk-uhl-a-law-a-law!” he yipped.

It’s about time this nation blasted into a new year the right way. Skip the drugs, throw out the booze. The times are far too grave for that kind of valueless tomfoolery. Get your body and your mind in line. 2014’s going to be a bumpy ride.

[above photo was released by the US Navy — multivitamins for everybody; coconut oil by Selinarif]