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NSA Assures Obama Americans Still In Opposition to Strike on Syria

NSA Assures Obama Americans Still In Opposition to Strike on Syria
September 04
17:25 2013

A concerned NSA intern faces losing his job after he thoughtfully cobbled together and sent to the White House a series of statistics proving just how unpopular a military strike on Syria is with the vast majority of Americans.

Jason Nupalm claimed he was only trying to help. He even received a nod from President Obama, despite the grave circumstances in which Mr Nupalm finds himself. “I was trying to do the president a kindness,” he told reporters, “because it seems like President Obama doesn’t believe the polls that show how against a strike in Syria Americans happen to be. I thought, if only he’d had a little proof.”

Using the sophisticated NSA computer software, called XKeyscore, which “allows analysts to search with no prior authorization through vast databases containing emails, online chats and the browsing histories of millions of individuals, according to documents provided by whistleblower Edward Snowden”, Nupalm compiled unshakable evidence that the majority of American citizens directly oppose President Obama’s urging to strike Syria.

“By searching keywords and categories, I was able to crunch the number of Facebook posts that address the proposed military strike in Syria. I did the same with Twitter,” said Nupalm, “as well as personal emails.”

While 71 percent of all Facebook posts concerning American military intervention in Syria are what Nupalm calls “negative, in opposition to, or downright hostile to the Obama administration’s proposal”, Nupalm found that 73 percent of Twitter talk about Syria was also in opposition.

The big surprise was in private American emails. “Evidence is through the roof,” Nupalm exclaimed. “Never before have I seen such sharp language and denunciation of a proposal from the president. The email stats were more difficult to crunch, but by my estimates 80 percent of Syria chatter from American emails since the first day of the alleged Assad chemical attack, to September4th, was clearly in opposition to a military strike.”

While the president maintained that the NSA would not, and could not obtain the authority or means to read the actual content of emails, text messages, and posts on social media sites, he did acknowledge that the information presented to him was “helpful, very helpful as is everything done by the folks over at the NSA.”

More Pulp Wire news

[quote on XKeyscore comes from this Glenn Greenwald article]

[NSA logo pasted on sign created by Electric Frontier Foundation (EFF) to draw attention to their case against the NSA]

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