Dear Dirty America


Herman Cain Hired By Fox News Under One Condition

Herman Cain Hired By Fox News Under One Condition
February 15
15:39 2013


When Fox News offered a contributor’s position to Herman Cain on Fox News Channel and Fox Business Network, they offered it on one condition: that Cain “thoroughly and demonstrably” change his appearance in some way.

“We didn’t want the same Herman Cain countenance that so many American voters found repugnant and disgusting throughout the GOP debates,” a top Fox aide told reporters. “We do want his expertise at selling his and our shared concepts and ideas that will propel America forward, rather than the steady decline our current president has us in.”

To avoid dredging up old feelings of repulsion among the general public, Herman Cain pitched many proposals for his new appearance, and Fox News has announced they’ve hired the former pizza chain CEO.

“We went back and forth with Cain through a very tiresome set of ideas on how he could truly change his appearance and kind of start over with the American public,” the aide said.

Fox News’ top managers and executives finally approved of a giant wig that will sit snugly on Cain’s bald head. The idea behind the wig, the aide said, was to shoot at a look that would be “opposite of the old look.”

Fox News has recently changed their lineup by hiring not only Cain, but Dennis Kucinich. They’ve fired Sarah Palin and Dick Morris.


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