Dear Dirty America


Mali: An Introduction For People Who Watch Television

January 13
23:32 2013
It’s no stars and stripes, and looks a bit like
something from Spencer’s gifts; but the Malian flag.

Outside of the United States – well beyond even Mexico and across an ocean – there are continents that are neither Europe nor China*.  One of these continents is called Africa, so called because of the African-Americans that were transported there during the 1820s.  For much of the nearly two centuries since, it has become a very populous place with literally dozens of countries, some of which are as big as Texas.  Mali is one of these (nearly the size of two Texases, with a population slightly bigger than Pennsylvania’s), located southwest of the Middle East.

Its people speak French – probably because they were African-Frankfurters before coming to Africa – and are sort of Christian and Muslim.  The reason Malians keep appearing in the news sidebar or the little crawl at the bottom of your FOX station is because the Muslims are trying to take over the country.  This began when the government of Mali allowed a mosque to be built in its capital city, Bamako (which has more people than Philadelphia but less than Houston).

Since then, groups of Muslim terrorists have been trying to institute sharia law in the country, attacking towns and villages with machine guns from the backs of their foreign-made pickup trucks.  Right now they have imposed sharia law on half of the country (about the size of one Texas), but want the other half too.  The probably Christian, French-speaking government is trying to fight back, but needs help from France.  Needless to say, the terrorists are winning.

A long time ago, the African-Frankfurter settlers built famous temples and churches out of mud and logs – the tallest buildings in the third world ever made out of mud.  The UN has since made these buildings historical sites, because Africa hasn’t really built anything else, and anyway it’s hard to stack mud as high as the Malians have.  But the terrorists have been tearing these buildings down, because it’s against sharia law to let them stand because they were doubtless dedicated to Jesus.  The people who live in the Muslim part of the country can’t fight back, because in Mali it is illegal to own guns.

After losing in Iraq, what’s left of Al-Qaida has moved to this part of Mali in order to continue their war against all things American.  Our military has not pursued them yet, due to this administration’s lack of focus and tendency toward diplomacy rather than acts of might.  In a Romney administration, we’d have bombed Mali out of the Iron Age, straight into Stone.  God above, if John McCain were alive today…

Anyway, that’s Mali nutshelled.  The merits of good citizenry is to arm oneself!  With guns, absolutely, but also with knowledge.

(*also not a continent)

Dan Rudy is a sociopathic flag-waver, recently rendered drunk off the power of legitimate press credentials. He posts his own thingly-dings at

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