Dear Dirty America

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The Destiny Manifest in Our Exceptional American Dream

October 31
17:30 2012
DAN RUDY
The American Heartland
 
God, we’re good.  That is to say, a very Judeo-Christian God and not the one those seething heathen Mohammedans and Hollywood limousine liberals claim.  Don’t retort with that Deist crap, either.  Thomas Jefferson should be struck from the register, replaced on Mount Rushmore by Reagan or maybe one of the Koch brothers.  And what’s the deal with Monticello?  Get it off our nickels.
America is the greatest.  Which is why history is so easy to tailor fit to suit this greatness.  Look in any textbook and revel in the myriad cuffs and pleats, tucks snips and seams.  Not a stain in sight, the Natives mostly killed off by smallpox (thanks, Spain) and replaced by African-American workers (Portugal).  But lots of settlers died too, so it’s all okay.  The Philippines and Cuba?  We were only there long enough to put the boot in to Spain’s anti-Monrovian colonialism.  The downside is that now we have to try and teach the rest of the hemisphere English, one episode of Plaza Sésamo at a time.
Flag pin in the lapel, hand over the heart.  Say it with me, “America is exceptional.”  We can do what we like – fact, are taskedto do what we need – even if those chicken-livered Europeans and the global 47% lack the balls to back us.  We’re so exceptional we don’t even need to die anymore, reserving that right for the militants foolish enough to find themselves at the other end of our Hellfires.  That we let soldiers die on the ground at all is just as a favor to our allies.  We’re big; we can take it.
I had a dream last night, I feel about the future.  I know it was about America only because the nature of the dream was so very great.  But like the impermeable fog of any dreamscape, that greatness had seemed dimmed by something.  Doubtless, veiled in the plasticine and smothering blanket of Socialism.  But then I can’t remember specifically; maybe it was a lonesome and uncaring wasteland.  But I woke up knowing the stakes of this election are the highest ever.  Higher even than the stakes in the last one, or the exceptionally high one before it.  The great thing about America is that once a law is passed, in can never be unpassed.  Especially if the legislators take a patriotic pledge beforehand.  That makes it doubly especial.
It’s all about the economy.  America’s still greater than everybody else, but it’s hurting.  Hemorrhaging money into the welfare state and old people, and I’m sure the gays in some capacity.  We need vouchers for everything instead, so we can take government money and spend it how we want, on the economy.  That would hurt less, right?  And if Americans really are too poor to afford food, we could give them vouchers for thattoo.  Seamless.  The fact of the matter is that we can solve this recession (a Great Recession, because it’s American) with the private markets; somehow the government was to blame for the thing in the first place, and what sort of sense does it make to fix the fault with the one that fucked things up??
So vote for American Exceptionalism.  Or don’t, if you’re an apologist.  Reread the post and try and rethink what you thunk.  It’s called being broad minded.  (Why is it that people say I’m not broad minded, just because I believe in an all-encompassing and evenly judgmental God?  He loves America, so how can that be bad?  Sometimes I just don’t understand logic…)
*
‘Pastor’ Dan Rudy is a wandering tradesman and start-up entrepreneur, and has authored the tract The Destiny Manifest in Our Exceptional American Dream – which has received generally patriotic reviews.

 

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