Dear Dirty America

The glorious passage of the space shuttle Endeavour is quickly becoming an embarrassing farce. Some might even call its journey through southern California an outrage. After the city allowed over 400 mature trees to be cut down along the streets leading to the California Science Center, residents of the various communities at least took solace in being able to enjoy the space shuttle parade.

Wild celebrations. An up close look for everybody who wanted to crowd the sidewalks and see. To be a part of this historical event. It might even bring good luck.

The behemoth space craft could have been dismantled, but that would have been a risk to the heat shields. Not that those shields will ever be needed again. Instead, the science center had the brilliant idea to chop down hundreds of trees along the way so the shuttle could squeeze through.

The upside for residents was twofold: the CSC would replant double the amount of trees it had chopped down, and the residents would get to see the shuttle, as a whole, rolling 2 mph through their neighborhood.

“It’s going to be one hell of a parade,” Mayor Villaraigosa said. Maybe he called it the “mother of all parades”. Either way, it doesn’t matter because he was talking out of his ass.

The bad news descended on Southern California like the stony eyes of the Angel of Death just before she blows her trumpet and balls of fire rain from the heavens. There would be no space shuttle parade. The LAPD is blocking off every sidewalk and street down which Endeavour will be pulled. Consider the news from a Real Source:

that excitement has turned to anger as officials clamped down on security and significantly reduced public access to the shuttle route. The Los Angeles Police Department announced this week it would close off most sidewalks along the way, making it difficult, if not impossible, for the public to see the shuttle go by.

So not only is Southern California 400 plus trees poorer, they will not even be permitted to take part in the “mother of all parades”. First of all, mother nature is getting shafted by the California Science Center and the LAPD with their wicked calls for crowd control during this hauling. Secondly, the people of So Cal are being highly disrespected.

They will be beaten and maced if they even get close to the shuttle. What a repugnant turn of events. This will be, of course, a matter of national security. If anybody even tries to get close to viewing Endeavour, they will be suspected of terrorism. Of trying to blow something up. Of conspiring to tamper with a precious American prize.

As Inglewood’s goofball director of city parks said, “…the city will be a part of this national endeavor.” But, of course, by “be a part” she meant mentally. It will be a great experience to imagine the space shuttle towed through your neighborhood. Just as good as seeing it. And long after, you won’t even have to imagine the lack of trees, or the dusty brown spots where they once stood. That part will be real. The LAPD will let you be a part of that for the next few decades, long after everybody forgets about Endeavour’s historic passage.

I, for one, feel it’s awfully ridiculous to even get excited about a space shuttle dragged through my neighborhood, especially when it means losing all the grand old trees that shade and add value to the area. I’d be outraged if that happened on my block. I’d say, Piss on your space shuttle.

In fact, the unholy, unreasonable part of my person boldly wishes the space shuttle would tip over and its heat shields busted to pieces. Let the jackasses from the California Science Center wail in the street and fall to their knees and heave into the skies calls for solace from God. Even scientists believe in God when catastrophe strikes.

Imagine a dinky shiny metal disc hovering over the spacecraft as it’s pulled through the now treeless streets. The LAPD would suddenly be preoccupied with watching the UFO instead of cracking the heads of unwanted spectators. What the hell is that? Good God, Mother Mary, is that a flying saucer? And then a beam of light shines onto the dulled white top of Endeavour. The giant space shuttle is hefted like a toy one hundred feet into the air, and then dropped like a lead weight onto the street below.

That might register a 1.0 earthquake. The crunch. The crash. Nothing this area can’t handle. Nobody would feel it. But everybody would say the California Science Center and the various city officials who approved of the massive tree cutting, and the banned parade celebrations had gotten what was coming to them.

It’s called karma, you pricks. If you think that’s too harsh a word for these people, you’re wrong. To obliterate the environment and atmosphere for a 12-mile stretch through your city just to house your space shuttle without ruining its heat shields is reckless and greedy. It’s an awful act to provoke mother nature, and it’s almost as bad when you slight the residents of the neighborhoods that surround you.

That goddamned space shuttle. What a curse!

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