Dear Dirty America


Covering American Politics Might Destroy Your Teeth & Jaw

January 28
20:55 2012
Adam Michael Luebke
Natl Correspondent,
Los AngelesWriting political satire for a living is hard on the teeth and jaws. I know this because my trusted dentist told me he’s never seen a worse case of ground down teeth in his life. Worse than that, my bite is wildly off. I’ve known my dentist since I was a child, and this was the only time I’d seen him shudder. I’d neglected seeing him for the past two and a half years, until this winter.

“Dear,” he said slowly, “Jesus,” when he asked me to bite my teeth together. “Do it again, but this time, do it right.”

I knew my bite was off. I’d been grinding my teeth so harshly, snapping them together in the middle of the night, gnashing them at dirty, illegitimate pedophile politicians. My dentist could see that, plain and clear. “I can’t bite straight anymore,” I admitted.

“I see that,” he said. “This isn’t good. You’ve been grinding your teeth, and now that your bite is off, a few of your teeth are getting all the wear and tear. If I only looked at your mouth, I’d say you were seventy years old.”

I’d been wearing The Doctor’s Night Guard — a petite plastic mouth guard made for those stressed out citizens who feel the urge to grind their teeth while sleeping. However, that mouth guard can alter your natural bite since those wearing it keep it in their mouths for the entire duration of the night.

Read other testimonials on the dangers of wearing a “night guard”.

My dentist has a professional mustache, but it’s covered by the mask he wears when checking your teeth. “What kind of stress do you have that you grind your teeth so much?” he asked.

“I write about politics, and write political satire,” I said, looking into the bright light beaming into my face.

“God I love political satire,” he said. His mask moved as he spoke. “But that’ll do it as far as stress goes.”

“It’s all negative vibrations,” I said.

“You bet it is, but I’ll tell you, whenever I’m on vacation and I see a funny political magazine or newspaper, I grab that thing and read it up.”

“Check out my blog,” I said, “and click on the ads so I can afford getting braces for the next ten years to fix my bite.”

“I don’t read online,” he said, “it hurts my eyes. But if your stuff makes it into print, and I happen to see it somewhere, you better believe I’ll pick it up.” He reminded me to never again use The Doctor’s Night Guard because it’ll cost a guy thousands of dollars in necessary dental work.

I knew slugging through the trenches of dirty American politics and culture could have a disastrous effect on my mind and body (like having high blood pressure or serious heart problems), but I wasn’t expecting to find out my teeth are, essentially, fucked up. My teeth still look good from your point of view. But inside my oral cavity it’s a goddamned mess.

Rifling through political articles and commentary every day isn’t healthy for folks like me. You’ve got the innocent, ignorant, minds-like-black-night folks touting Barack Obama as a hero and savior of America, even after three years of betrayal of the American people, yet they know nothing of the NDAA bill, or the killing of an American citizen and his son, ordered by Pres Obama, and without due process.

They know nothing of his appointing Jeffrey Immelt (GE CEO who’s sent thousands of American jobs to China, and then taken American taxpayer money for a bailout) as his head of Jobs and Competitiveness Act.

Police brutality. Perpetual war on “terrorism”. The thousand, thousand acts of violence against a world of people helpless to strike back in any way.

Wading through this political shit is like eating McDonald’s every day and washing it down with a large-sized cola, and then becoming constipated for two weeks, all the while you’re still eating and eating that gummy, fake, laboratory-created food. That muck gets stuck in your large intestine, and you’ve got to eventually shove a butter knife up your ass (like you do to a glass ketchup bottle) to work it out.

Yet, I can’t stop. It’s my duty (and it might be yours, too), to try my best at understanding what the federal government is doing, who’s connected between Washington and Corporate America, and keeping abreast of the tyrannical bills and legislation being discussed and passed under most Americans’ noses.

My poor dentist. Having to see a fucked up grill in the mouth of a young man who once had teeth like pearls, set so straight the dentist could swear he saw God’s own work still intact, fresh from the celestial realm, and hardly mired from this, our terrestrial mess of 2012.

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