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Nebraska Beer Fans Condemn Nation’s Liberals for Protesting Keystone Pipeline

November 19
12:00 2011
DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRESTEELE CITY–Nebraska’s most ardent beer fans have finally coalesced into a group with a voice, and they’re condemning the nation’s liberals for protesting the proposed Keystone Pipeline. The coalition, called In Support of Keystone, is made up mostly of local conservative voters and rural citizens. They are in opposition to the “bunch of liberals” who are gathering outside of the White House to fight the project

The US Dept of State has been considering whether or not the pipeline would be in the nation’s best interest. Many environmentalists say no, but Nebraska beer fans shout a resounding yes.

“Heck yes the Keystone pipeline is good for this nation. Why those liberals have to interfere with something so perfect is beyond us, but we aren’t going to let them spoil it,” said a local Steele City farmer. “The way I envision it is the government lays down this big pipe, and then they open the taps and let the beer flow from coast to coast. Fresh beer, on tap, in every bar.”

The Nebraska beer drinkers also claim the building of the pipeline will create many jobs. Lots of people drink lots of beer in this country, they said, and if this thing gets off the ground, people will see how convenient it makes pumping fresh beer to even the remotest regions of the nation. Soon there’ll be a call for a Busch pipeline, and a Milwaukee’s.

A local city official is also in support of the pipeline. “Just think about all the hardships and stress out there in our great country. People unemployed, everybody’s hurting. We’re practically waiting for the next terrorist attack. We got a left-wing dictator sitting in the most powerful seat of government. We got our own citizens turning against us. I can’t think of too many Americans who would be opposed to cheaper beer being easily transported through a giant pipe.”

In Support of Keystone’s membership has swollen to sixteen devoted members, and they’re planning a march past Town Hall. “We’re basically looking for more members at this point, and then we’ll take it to Washington. We figure plenty of people ought to be behind us on this issue. It just makes sense.”

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