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Al-Assad Hires NYPD Inspector Anthony Bologna to Go Nuts on Syrian Protesters

October 02
04:48 2011

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

Syria — NYPD Deputy Inspector Anthony Bologna was hired by Syrian President Bashar al-Assad to help quell protests in the unsettled town of Rastan. Bologna came to fame during the Occupy Wall Street protests in New York after he maced multiple peaceful protesters. Bologna’s cool demeanor while spraying the faces of New York City insurgents caught al-Assad’s eye, and the Syrian president called the NYPD Deputy Inspector and hired him over the phone.

NYPD mace freak identified

“He’s the right man for the position,” the Syrian president said, “and I know he will do an excellent job taking out protesters here. The NYPD doesn’t have any use for him anymore, not after he was caught breaking rules restricting the American police from injuring civilians, but here in Syria, Bologna should feel right at home. We’ll give him high powered weapons and let him go nuts.” Al-Assad went on to praise the “sheer skillfulness” of Bologna’s ability to brutalize protesters and then skip away to attack another group of people. “His ability to strike and disappear is what we’re looking for.”

No word from the NYPD has surfaced, but multiple online sources have reported on Bologna’s new position cracking down on protesters for the Syrian government. “As far as I see it,” al-Assad said, “the more skulls he smashes, the better. We’ve got a lot of cleaning up to do.”

Recently, Syrian security forces shot dead four protesters who were calling for overthrowing al-Assad’s regime.  Clashes continue between insurgents and those loyal to the president.

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1 Comment

  1. Anonymous
    Anonymous October 03, 07:00

    Fucking funny

    Reply to this comment

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