Dear Dirty America


I’m Stepping Up Terror Awareness for Sept 11 Anniversary

September 04
03:41 2011
It’s one hell of an anniversary to keep, but I suppose it’s worth something to remember the attacks on the Pentagon and the WTC towers in 2001. Ten years ago. And here we are, still, almost fully defeated as a nation, bickering over when the president should give his jobs speech. But there are no jobs in America. Not any more. So the president is going to talk about that and he’s going to say he wishes it was different. But it’s not, he’ll say. It is what it is. No jobs? Well, it could be worse. We could have another terrorist attack.

The media is constantly warning us about an upcoming attack, so watch for it. Be ready. They know something we don’t. That’s usually the case. For this anniversary, I’m personally stepping up my awareness to watch out for terrorists, or people who look like terrorists. They are usually of Middle Eastern descent. Just ask Fox News, they have extensive knowledge of terrorism, and acts of terror. They’ll tell you. Middle Eastern people. Watch out. They hate Americans. They hate Jews. And these savages will kill whomever they choose.

Even Plato has issued a 9/11/2011 statement from the Undergloom

There is an overpopulated roster of possible terrorist attacks that could happen on or near the tenth anniversary of 9/11. Al-Qaeda could hijack one or more small aircraft and fly them into things that we value. Terrorists could hijack large planes and do something very similar to what they did on 9/11. It’s also important that we keep our eyes on the trains: passenger and industrial alike. Watch out for 18-wheelers loaded with explosive chemicals. Be wary of suspicious automobiles parked in suspicious places. Watch out for lone wolves with blond hair. Be careful about shoe bombs. And make sure you lightly sniff every cup of liquid you plan on consuming, before you drink it.

Thankfully, the terrorists don’t have predator drones, because those things have proven they can kill an awful lot of civilians with one strike. And just think if those drones made hundreds of strikes in America like they do in Pakistan, Somalia, and Yemen.

Open every letter addressed to you with intentional care. White powder. Look around you every few seconds to make sure nothing suspicious is going on. Bushy-bearded people. Stare at every person you meet like you know what they’re up to. If you ever get the chance, dig through other people’s personal items. Tubes of lipstick. Scrutinize everything. Treat everybody like a potentially murderous pig.

Watch out for random sippy-cups placed in odd spots (like on Flag Day) where many people are gathered. Keep in mind that dirty bombs can be sewn into living creatures, like your family dog, and then detonated while out for a walk in a crowded location. If you see your dog with shaved fur beneath its belly and what looks to be a newly stitched wound, it’s important you call your local officials just to be sure. Someone may have tampered with your pet.

Terrorists can and will do anything possible to strike out at this country. I’m particularly anxiety-ridden over the thought of tepid terrorists dumping thousands of gallons of Clorox bleach into our rivers and lakes. Sure, the effects wouldn’t be immediately disastrous, but down the road, or up the river, the story would take a bleak turn. Although the makers of Clorox would be happy for the business. As long as somebody is buying something, corporate America doesn’t worry.

Also important to remember on the September 11th anniversary is that you buy stuff. The middle class is not buying enough stuff, and even though financial times are rough (hell, they’re disastrous), it’s important you at least put a couple hundred dollars on the credit card on 9/11/2011, because that’s how you can do your part to keep the economy rolling.

Buying stuff is a direct way to slap a terrorist in the face. If the terrorists see us buying stuff like crazy and having a good time, they’ll be dismayed. They’ll think they failed in destroying the greatest nation on earth. No terrorist likes to see a crowd of happy shoppers marching through a mall while clutching thousands of filled plastic bags from America’s top corporate retailers. That’s just good defense.

Also, make sure you hang your flags. The more flags, the safer we are. We’re talking American flags. Not Chinese flags, nor Russian flags, nor Texan flags. And if your flag is stained, check with your local law enforcement to find out if it’s lawful and patriotic to still hang it, otherwise you’ll end up like this guy.

We’ll fool them this anniversary and pretend we all get along, and pretend we actually care for one another, and we’ll pretend that millions of Americans haven’t lost their homes to fraudulent banking policies. We’ll pretend we give a shit about the homeless mothers and children after they were kicked out of their homes because they lost their jobs and there were no more jobs to be had. We’ll pretend that ten million and more Americans aren’t out of work and have no idea how they’re going to get back on their feet while the entire economy is on its back.

We’ll pretend that America isn’t 14 trillion dollars in debt. We’ll pretend that our country is not engaged in military conflict in six or seven countries overseas. And, we’ll tell ourselves, just on this year’s 9/11, that we’re actually making progress in Iraq and Afghanistan. We’ll say it without flinching. We’re winning, we’re winning strong, old boy! We don’t know what we’re winning, but we’re really stickin it to an awful lot of stupid, sorry-lookin people. We’re killing all terrorists and possible terrorists, even if they’re still children. If they got that look in their eye, we shoot them in their heads.

When al-Qaeda asks us how we’re doing, we’re going to exclaim, Just fine, you bastards! We’re gettin’ along. How about yooooooooooou?

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