Dear Dirty America

DDA

How to Get By in Life

How to Get By in Life
August 14
13:45 2014

JOHN BENNETT

(originally sent to Bennett’s email list — sign up below for more like this)

When you don’t know which way to turn, force the issue.

When you suddenly sense you’re absolutely wrong, slam your fist down on the table and say, “End of discussion!”

When your wife vehemently denies having an affair, say “Yeah, sure.” Or if you really want to put the pressure on, “Yeah sure, right, uh-huh.”

If the police come for you because of something naughty you did, lie on the floor with your arms and legs straight up in the air as if rigor mortis has set in, and while they’re back down in the patrol car calling it in to the morgue, spring to your feet and hightail it out of there.

When you are in the throes of a nightmare, tell yourself to wake up. When you do and you’re still in the nightmare, dial 9-1-1. Explain calmly what your situation is and don’t forget to give your address.

When everything else fails, crouch in a corner with your eyes screwed shut and your hands clamped over your ears. It’s irrelevant whether you’re fully dressed or naked.

SEE ALSO

John_Bennett_Road_RageThe birth of road rage

Capitalism on a deathbed, or: Jesus was an American

In the Prophetic Essence of Visionary Courage, John Bennett Challenges & Incites

What we have to get by on

Waiting mortuaries

Find John Bennett’s novels, short stories, and shards at Hcolom Press. You can contact him, or get on his Shards list at dasleben@fairpoint.net. Read a review of his novel Children of the Sun & Earth here

[photo from LaurMG]

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