Mister Flatulence
JOHN BENNETT
(originally sent out to Bennett’s email list — you can sign up below to get more like this)
He always wanted to be a comedian, but on stage he became tongue tied, until one night, doing a routine at a stand-up comedy club, he resorted to flatulence and rude gestures and had them rolling in the aisles.
Next thing he knew he was a guest on a late-night talk show, but he still tried to tell jokes, and they all bombed. So he did what got him there in the first place. He gave the audience the finger, lifted one ass cheek off the chair, and let go a whopper.
In no time flat he had his own prime-time TV show and people would turn on their sets to see what he’d do next. A favorite routine that he did repeatedly without having his ratings drop was breaking raw eggs over his head one after another while shooting dried green peas thru a pea shooter at a hamster hanging upside down by a string tied to its tail. Each time he hit the hamster there’d be a drum roll from the house band and a hot babe in about six square inches of bikini wearing impossibly high spiked heels undulated across the stage holding up a large card with a number on it indicating how many hits he’d made up to that point, and following close behind her was a Rocky look-alike in boxing shorts with gloves and everything, doing fancy foot work and shadow boxing.
He had to keep breaking eggs over his head until he’d hit the hamster fifty times, and after about twenty hits it got easier because the hamster stopped wiggling around trying to free itself and just hung there.
Everyone knew who he was. Stop the average Joe or Jane under thirty on the street and throw out names like Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Jonathan Winters and Robin Williams and their faces remained blank, but ask them who Mister Flatulence was and their faces lit up, they lifted one leg off the ground, and they cut a good one.
SEE ALSO
The birth of road rageCapitalism on a deathbed, or: Jesus was an American
In the Prophetic Essence of Visionary Courage, John Bennett Challenges & Incites
Find John Bennett’s novels, short stories, and shards at Hcolom Press. You can contact him, or get on his Shards list at dasleben@fairpoint.net. Read a review of his novel Children of the Sun & Earth here
[Kraig Jaquesa Callota “Komedianci” painting, photo by Silar]
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