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Big Butt Bummer: America’s Meatiest Asset Not Actually Sign of Hard Work & Dedication

Big Butt Bummer: America’s Meatiest Asset Not Actually Sign of Hard Work & Dedication
January 19
22:58 2014

You know your nation with its precious freedoms and liberty to pursue individual happiness is in peril when there’s an epidemic of butt injections gone wrong. “The number of legal butt procedures in the US increased by 176 percent between 2000 and 2012, exploding into a $26 million industry,” according to a recent article in Vice. But it is the backroom, illegal injections that have health authorities worried.

Some of us work toward our goals the old-fashioned way. Like working hard on the farm. Heaving hay bales and throwing them onto a trailer hooked to a tractor. Father waves his arms in the air to say, “Hurry, hurry you sad sacks! Load the goddamn things before the sun sets so we can get out of here and back home for mama’s dinner!”

That scene is not representative of my life, but I did grow up on a farm. If I’d been throwing hay bales I’d probably have better lattissimus dorsi muscles in my back, and, by hook or by crook, I’d possibly have a meatier ass.

Oh yes. Had I worked that hard back in the 80s, when I was a child, I’d have made nice gains, which would have come in handy for the 2010s. Our post-9/11 world loves big asses. Bigger is better, as usual. It’s what all the college boys are writing home to mom about. “You wouldn’t believe the butts I’m seeing flopping around on the local fraternity dancefloors out here, mom. Life is so good. I’m learning a lot.” And so on.

But how desperate are we for huge, fat asses? And does it really enhance the twerking effect? According to Vice, there is an unhealthy practice going on, especially in Miami, Florida, as folks scramble to get their asses in gear. They detail one case gone wrong, where a woman named Oscarina Busse had an illegal butt injection. The problems started with an itch, and turned into deflated ass cheeks with “poisonous goop” pooling in her flabby bottoms. Of course, you get what you deserve:

The crude inflation procedure consists of shooting a liquid substance such as silicone or mineral oil directly into a client’s butt cheeks and hips through a syringe. There is no substance that is safe to inject into your body to create more volume, not even medical-grade silicone, but these black-market “butt doctors” have, according to victims, allegedly used harsh substances like concrete and the industrial silicone sold at hardware stores in their procedures. After the injections, the exterior flesh wounds are sometimes closed with Super Glue to prevent the toxic slop from leaking out. (read more about the fascinating history of breast and butt injections)

Again, maybe I’m as naive as Jimmy Stewart is in Harvey, it’s disheartening to think I was clandestinely watching bouncing butts on Hollywood Boulevard, and naively imagining the sweat and tears that had gone into bulking up that baby, and getting misty-eyed myself at the extreme work and fervor the poor woman must have dedicated her life to, in order to possess that breathtaking booty.

How many squats, oh Lord, does it take? I’d find myself saying while walking behind some of these bubbly back ends that seemed to defy gravity. You could set cans of beer on the tops of their buttocks like you would atop a table.

Wide-stance walk flares primitive desires

It’s the one thing in this cheap American experience that I’d figured had to have some substance. Sure, 80 percent of us no longer live on farms, where honest, hard work is appreciated, like we did in the 1930s. Now 80 percent of us live in cities and sit on our asses all day in front of computers while we suck down coffee drinks turned sludgy with sweeteners and syrups, and we know diddly-twat about where our food comes from.

But I had hope that as a nation we hadn’t gone completely frivolous. I thought I saw signs of meaningful, devoted activity toward a higher goal. I don’t know how many times I felt reassured that at least those heavy-handed asses were a sign of motivation and dedication. At least those butts signified the will to achieve something greater than our natural selves. The long haul of cause and effect in gyms across America. Not just superficial this, and instant gratification that.

I’ll keep working hard in my life. I won’t let these disgusting news stories keep me down. And I recommend you stay positive, too. I know, if you find yourself on this website, you’re from the same good-natured stock as I. We believe in real results, not unhealthy, illusory smoke and mirrors.

You may be shaking your head and wondering why I, as a male, care so much about a solid ass. It’s not just a game for females. Nice butts are appreciated all around. Men who work out their back ends are more valued than those who don’t. It’s a symbol of lasting vigor. Core strength. Durability. Vitality. Firm success. Studies show these men get better jobs and higher paying positions. They get more respect. They walk with more confidence.

So I’ll keep up my work out at home. I won’t succumb to simple measures, like jamming silicon and cement into my cheeks. I’ll continue hammering out the pistol squats, like God intended. I’ll keep at the lunges. Gluteus kickbacks. The Standing Buttocks Squeezes. Step ups. Single-leg pelvic lifts. Bridges and kickouts.

I’ll toil my own way until it’s fashionable once again.

Need more ass?

[photo from Alias 0591, at Wikimedia Commons]

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8 Comments

  1. Joanna
    Joanna January 20, 06:21

    I wish I could say this was shocking. But negative self-esteem issues run deep in women. The need to be acceptable to men is one of the top causes for those issues. And our billion dollar porn industry has succeeded in making women not only self-conscious of their God-given, natural breast size, but also of any noticeable body hair (unless of course it’s a long bleached blonde mane that’s being jerked on-screen as she’s ridden from behind, or so to speak)…and now this deadly trend. As long as having the perfect body is defined by these unattainable cultural standards–which seem to keep growing out of proportion–and perceived to guarantee a healthy self-esteem, women will continue will continue to make adjustments, no matter what the cost.

    Reply to this comment
  2. Lawyer On-Call
    Lawyer On-Call January 24, 18:54

    Meat is Murder. Video performer Pebbelz Da Model, real name Natasha Stewart, was arrested in January of last year in connection to a homicide in Mississippi from an illegal butt injection. Her murder trial begins January 27th.

    Reply to this comment
  3. Lawyer On-Call
    Lawyer On-Call January 31, 22:12

    Pain in her ass-Manslaughter verdict for Natasha Stewart, aka adult entertainer Pebbelz Da Model:
    http://bigstory.ap.org/article/jury-gets-case-buttocks-injections-death

    Reply to this comment
    • DDA
      DDA Author February 07, 00:19

      It’s always good to have a lawyer on-call to shed a deeper understanding on these issues. These are impetuous times we’re living in! We need those professionals who understand how the gears work in this great machine.

      Reply to this comment
  4. Crazy Wrap Girl
    Crazy Wrap Girl February 28, 16:23

    I prefer a healthy non-surgical lift that tones. tightens and firms, but I must concede that DDA has its pulse on our nation’s proverbial derrieres!
    http://healthland.time.com/2014/02/28/thank-you-kim-kardashian-now-everyone-wants-big-butts/

    Reply to this comment
    • DDA
      DDA Author February 28, 16:36

      DDA loves all things Kardash and ass! Thank you for sending this link, Crazy Wrap Girl.

      Reply to this comment
      • Crazy Wrap Girl
        Crazy Wrap Girl February 28, 16:46

        The pleasure is all mine. It’s so refreshing to know that DDA has an affinity for these things. The Karda$$h are the movers and shakers of our country. I can always count on DDA to take things to a whole nuttha level. Stay calm and bring the Boom!

        Reply to this comment

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