Dear Dirty America


For How Much Money Will the Toothless Kardashian Carp Go?

May 06
20:30 2013
Fried carp (with Kardashian molecules?) photo by Ludek

It’s refreshing to hear about very rich and famous people, who are very rich and famous for not having done anything of any importance, taking a European vacation and getting pampered in weird ways. What average joe doesn’t think about vacation on top of wealth on top of endless vacation?

And so it is with the pregnant Kim Kardashian who, as I’d predicted, is quickly transforming into our modern day’s Venus of Willendorf. For a short explanation on that, and a side-by-side picture of the two, see Who’s our modern day symbol of fertility?

The Kardashians were blowing off some steam in Greece recently, and Kim and Kourtney decided to go to a spa and get a pedicure. With live fish. It’s a luxury treatment if there ever was one. The girls lowered their feet into a pool of water and live, toothless carp pick the dead skin off the invaluable Kardashian feet dangling in the water.

The big news is that Kim didn’t like it. She squealed in fear and disgust. The toothless fish-bites caused Kim to scream, “I hate it. I hate it, oh my God!” The fish were said to go after the reality TV star’s feet with an extra zealousness that the shop’s owners had not previously witnessed.

That’s where the news story ends, but where the real story begins. Because of the lucrative dead skin these fish were peeling off of feet of inestimable value (I really doubt the fish knew the difference), these carp, after finishing their job, were to be fished out of the pond and kept in a live tank for 48 hours to absorb into their muscles that particularly special blend of DNA and molecular makeup known as Kardashian tissue.

Carp resting after a long day of eating dried foot skin

Once the fish have full absorbed the dead skin off of those Kardashian feet, they will be rushed over to the highest bidding gourmet Grecian restaurant to be cleaned and prepared into a delicate fried carp meal, which is a dish celebrated in places like Greece.

The plate will be served with either rice, a lightly whipped mashed potato, or potato salad, or possibly the sides will be flexible and chosen by the highest bidding diner. It will be the Kardashian Carp specialty. It will be a one in 6 billion chance to absorb on a most meaningful level something authentically Kardashian. This fortuitous diner will more deeply experience Kim than Kanye ever can, unless he scrapes his teeth over the dead skin on her feet and plucks, with impressive accuracy, every flake of dried skin and nibbles them between his teeth.

While it is very unlikely the diner will notice a difference in the taste of the prized strips of fried carp, he (or she) will simply know, with certainty, exactly what he is consuming.

It’s weird, it’s sort of sexual, it’s kind of a rush, yet, it’s nothing out of the ordinary. The entire planet is made of particles. Subatomic particles and atoms that make up molecules. Humans and every other living thing on this planet consume and excrete these particles every day. We pass them around unknowingly.

It’s possible you’ve taken in one of William Shakespeare’s atoms. Well, it wasn’t his, he was just using it while housed in his body that lived on this planet. When his body died, no doubt it turned back into soil and maybe nourished a bed of grass that nourished a grub, which in turn fed a bird, which flew into the side of a building and fell into the awaiting paws of a cat, and then the cat was eaten by a desperate opium addict squatting in some back alley in late 18th century London, and then a pack of wild dogs chomped on the addict’s neck a few days later as he slept in that alley, and they ate his flesh and crunched on his bones and then the dogs roamed the countryside until they were cornered and eaten by a pack of coyotes that would, in a few months, meet their ends due to a plague that would turn their coats mangy and make their gums bleed, and shortly after they’d be eaten by a vulture, which would be shot down by an arrow and plummet into a small field of corn and not retrieved by the hunter. The vulture’s body, untainted by the coyotes’ plague, would decompose and help the next year’s corn crop, which would be heartily eaten by an extended family who worked on the small farm and had never even heard of Shakespeare.

But it’s how those particles
are put together, you might argue

The moral of the story is that Kim Kardashian is not important unless we pretend she is. The world of particles is just that. It is up to us to place the meaning and value of those particles. It is up to us to interpret them.

Despite the news coverage and constant attention we give her, her particles are not more spectacular or unique than yours. She is simply a collection of atoms and molecules and cells and tissues and organs that happen to be purportedly worth an unbelievable amount of money. And if that body of particles can be worth so much, especially for doing so little for humanity or earth or consciousness, then you’re all worth that much too.

It’s high time you let it be known. “I’m as special as Kim Kardashian,” you should proclaim in public. “Chances are, I might even be more special. Or, if nothing else, the Kardashians are less special.” And say it often. Say it loud. And remind others to spread the good news, too. Because we need new heroes. New role models. New aspirations.

Just don’t go overboard with it and say you’re as special as Albert Einstein or Phillis Wheatley or Ferdinand Magellan. Because, probably, it’s not true.

Stick with Kardashian. Stick with the lowest common denominator.


Venus of Willendorf: who’s our symbol of fertility?

Kim Kardashian’s allotment in this lifetime suggests staggeringly pristine & servile past lives

I’m sorry Kim Kardashian’s cat died

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