Dear Dirty America

LOS ANGELES — A man who claims to be a regular lighting assistant in some of Los Angeles’ major adult film studios says directors and producers in the industry are refusing to feel blustered by the “Safer Sex in the Adult Film Industry Act”, which mandated all actors to wear condoms on set. Measure B, as it was called on the ballot, passed 56 to 44 percent.

Ever since the measure passed in early November, producers have mulled over appealing the mandate, while directors have been determined to find artistic ways to incorporate the new latex stage props, says the lighting assistant, who has worked on major porn sets.

“We’re going to make a big deal out of wearing condoms,” one very respected adult film director said to another. “We’re going to show the male actor slowly rolling it onto his throbbing member. We will zoom in and take a great deal of time and effort to let the audience witness the semi-pleasurable act of properly applying a rubber.”

If the audience doesn’t like a five-minute condom shot, maybe they’ll call their local city council members and complain, the director also said. “If the audience doesn’t enjoy watching the actors carefully tearing open the package, pulling out the condom, and so on, maybe they’ll write their congress man or woman and demand adult film stars be treated like, well, adults.”

Many directors are also referring to the now mandated set condoms as “those unnecessary latex safety devices.” It is unclear what brand, if any, will be preferred on set. Perhaps the choice will be up to the actors.

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The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA’s editors and administrators never dare question what it produces. 

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