Not Even A Nipple Slip: Huffington Post Reports On Exposed Orange Bra
ADAM MICHAEL LUEBKE
I’ve never heard of Jennifer Lawrence, but then again I live under a rock, inside of an old, debilitated studio apartment in a neighborhood that speaks mostly Korean and Spanish. That’s just the way I like it. I live in a sheltered world where people aren’t famous just because their faces have been on TV. They’re famous because their faces were caught on the closed circuit store cameras as they left Rite-Aid after they robbed the place.Unless I check in with the Huffington Post for an overview of the news. Then my world collapses. I do that from time to time, because the HPost does a good job, sometimes, at posting must-read news stories from around the web. They also have tantalizing, trivial non-stories populating the third column of their home page.
Which brings me to the story of a woman I’d never heard of. Jennifer Lawrence. And do you know why she’s in the news? Because she has the uncanny ability to neutralize nuclear weapons with the touch of her delicate pointer finger? Because she ended up feeding ten thousand hungry Chinese peasant children out of a basket with only five fish and three loaves of bread? Because she reported on the disastrous effects of the BP oil spill and evaded BP’s private security guards who kept reporters from seeing and writing about the worst areas of damaged beaches and marshes?
Or maybe because when she shits, her deposits are flecked with gold bits that can then be panned.
No. Nothing so complicated. Lawrence is in the news because her hot orange bra popped out of her black top. Not even a nipple slip. Or an exposed breast. People risk their livelihoods to see a pair of breasts, so it’s understandable, I guess, in a sexually-repressed culture, to satisfy the masses with scandalous side shots of an almost exposed breast, or an extra high slit up the side of a dress that nearly shows a well-worked buttock.
But an orange bra? What kind of mediocre fluff and filth is this country interested in? The Huffington Post knows what will lure people to their site and click on articles. I have no doubt they know they are making a good decision by writing up a short story about a woman named Jennifer Lawrence, who once allowed her bright orange bra to pop out of her clean black top.
Normally Lawrence is conservative. She doesn’t let her undies or private parts show. Not usually. Well, maybe that day she said Fuck it. Or maybe that day she wanted extra attention. Or maybe she was on bath salts.
Dear dirty America, Huffington Post asks us, What is “the unavoidable centerpiece of her outfit?” And they answer for us, before we get a chance, “A neon orange bra that she completely flashed.”
Perhaps this culture could benefit from an all-or-nothing approach when it comes to sexuality. Huffington Post should continue to devote its center column on its home page to relevant, striking news stories, and on the third column, take the ultimate risk. Go with hardcore porn. Give this society what it wants. Cut through the bullshit. Penises and vaginae. Cocks and pussies. Hard and wet. Distended and throbbing.
The faster people in this society get those urges out of their systems, the quicker we can move on to more worthwhile pursuits. Work out those lower energies so we can shift society into a higher, more enlightened gear.
News and porn. It’s what the Huffington Post and other online publications like it do best. Except they follow arbitrary guidelines that keep the sexual frenzied third column just shy of being pornography. But the undertones are there. The atavistic urges bubble beneath. Don’t tease your readers with sensational, yet dissatisfying headlines like See what other celebrities where their underwear as outwear!
Similarly, the story that is not being fully reported on is that JP Morgan, and their captain Jamie Dimon, have around $90 trillion worth of speculative derivative debt, which could blow up at any time and take the world economy down with it. Ninety trillion is more than all the GDP in the world, and yet one bank has managed to gamble and risk that much.
Guess what? We’ll be signed on to that debt. Guess what? If JP Morgan implodes and their stocks drop to zero overnight, the economy in which you have a job and earn your dollar bills, will explode.
So, if you want a good underwear flash story, or even better yet, a story about a high-powered bankster whipping out his diseased cock and smashing it into every one of our faces, then you might consider reading about Jamie Dimon, his abhorrence of Occupy Wall Street, and the subsequent realization for this nation that his bank has gambled away our pensions, our savings, the value of our dollar, and our livelihoods for many, many generations to come.