Dear Dirty America


MMA Fighter, Mayhem, Found Naked Before God

August 16
11:00 2012
Los Angeles

MMA fighters are almost always gifted with over-sized genitalia. It’s only a rumor, but it’s one worth repeating. When police happen to find a fighter, in the nude, in a church, that impressive set of genitals are as shrunken and wrinkled as a pumped up piece of genetically modified fruit left in the sun for a week.

Jason “Mayhem” Miller busted up Mission Viejo’s Mission Hills Church. Miller is an ex-MMA fighter. He’s a battle hero who’s drifted into hard times. He was found, by a pastor, naked on a couch, and as vulnerable as a small child with overdeveloped muscles and missing brain cells.

Jason Miller is the perfect example of dirty America. A country that views itself as a formidable warrior, yet ends up consumed in a toxic, destructive rage, and is found unguarded and sleeping naked in the House of the Lord. On the outside, it is bulky and impressive, but on the inside there is a tremendous, crippling heartache. As the facts are written:

Believing the church had been burglarized, the pastor called authorities. Responding deputies followed a trail of residue from the fire extinguisher up to the second floor, Amormino said, where they found a naked man asleep on a couch.

Mayhem. Mayhem. That’s how he responded to deputies when they asked him who he was. They thought he was being an apocalyptic prick, but he wasn’t. Miller really thinks he’s a force called Mayhem.

Miller has bashed his way to the “top” of fame and success. He’s fought for many prestigious organizations, and he’s even hosted MTV’s “Bully Beatdown”. He’s lived impressively within the swelling American Dream, and yet here we all are, reading about his naked sleeping body being discovered on a couch, inside a church that’s been trashed, and the only words he can utter when questioned about it is, Mayhem.


Just imagine a successful MMA fighter tearing up the inside of a church, swinging his beefy fists and throwing his meat around like a whirlwind that’s stripped a meat locker and flinging its weights throughout a small town.

Was Mayhem he searching for God? Was he taking out his rage on the Divine? Did God have anything to do with it? Did the pastor ask these questions? Orange County officers booked Mayhem on suspicion of burglary. Mayhem would be the only burglar I’d ever heard of who destroys the place he’s burglarizing, and then falls asleep there, naked, until morning.

So what is going on in this situation? Do we have another example of someone attaining the many aspects of the American Dream — TV, fame, fortune, females — to only explode back into reality with a sickened, empty heart?

If I’d been there, or if the pastor who had discovered the naked body of the washed up fighter had been on his toes that day, he’d have pulled out his copy of the Bhagavad Gita. He would have addressed Mayhem as the Warrior. He would have woken up the Warrior, rather than calling the Orange County police.

Mayhem might have confided in the pastor, “I’m dead inside. I’ve got nothing. I worked so hard. I’ve been on MTV, but I’m miserable.”

The pastor, reading from the Bhagavad Gita, would have leveled this advice in a blustery tone: “Neither he who thinks the living entity the slayer nor he who thinks it slain is in knowledge, for the self slays not nor is slain” (2.19).

Mayhem, most likely, would have said, “What the fuck does that mean?”

And the learned pastor would explain, in a softer tone, “You are a Warrior. That is your calling, that is what you do. Every living thing in the material world has its fate drawn out for it. As do you. Will you sleep here, naked, and force me to call the police? Will you be pleased with the headlines that will make? Do you wish to be remembered as a warrior, or a naked, confounded intruder?”

Mayhem still, most likely, would not understand. The pastor would continue: “Let me say that the body can be hacked to pieces, and it can be painful. The mind can be poisoned and miserable. But the self cannot be slain, nor can it slay another self. The self is eternal, it runs infinitely deep.

“So get up, son, from that couch, put your goddamned clothes on, and go, be the warrior in this world. Do what you do best, knowing this is a cosmic light show. A play within a play within a play. Have no consideration for material reactions, but do all things for the Transcendental Consciousness.”

“What’s that?” Mayhem might ask.

“God, you moron,” the pastor might say. Using language that another being understands sometimes sounds harsh or crude to others, but it is necessary in order to be properly understood in unique situations, as is this one, where a naked MMA fighter is shaken awake by police officers, and is then booked on suspicion of burglary.


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