Dear Dirty America


Christie’s RNC Speech Failure: Like Watching King Of Queens Guy Talk Politics

August 30
04:12 2012
Los Angeles

Watching and listening to Chris Christie’s keynote speech at the Republican National Convention last night was like seeing a gigantic two-liter soda bottle give a speech about how to make healthy dietary choices. Except without any specifics on what those choices would be, but adamant that they would be tough ones.

Gov Christie’s speech was so devoid of substance at a time when political substance is so very urgent, watching him speak reminded me of eating potato chips and ice cream Snickers bars for dinner, rather than a solid choice of protein, vegetables, and fruits.

It’s nothing short of a miracle, or perhaps it’s because of the police state lock down Tampa, Florida is under, that Chris Christie didn’t get tipped over again by protesters and rolled into the nearest gutter.

I hate to join the chorus of condemnation, so I instead will offer a solution. Christie, and his big boy common sense approach, should have ripped out a passage from the Book of Joel. When he realized nobody gave two shits about what he was saying, he could have delivered lines like this, “Blow ye the trumpet of Zion!” and “sound an alarm in my holy mountain.”

Let all the inhabitants of the land tremble: for the day of the Lord cometh, for it is nigh at hand. I always keep heavy lines like that written out on scraps of paper in my pockets. Christie should do the same. He’s prone to giving lackluster, bloated speeches about nothing except the few key phrases he thought sounded cool in his head while he sat on the toilet that morning and prepared his speech.

Christie makes me think of that irritating guy on that awfully bland TV show called King of Queens. A fat, lazy slob. Kevin James is the actor. Probably a decent guy. But he plays a brain dead, ignorant-beyond-sports male. In short, Christie should not be governor of any state. He should be crashed on a buddy’s couch drinking beer, soda, and eating pizza and only god knows what else.

If you want to get the gist of what Christie talked about, imagine somebody who really is not very interesting talking about his mother and father for ten minutes, and then saying things like this:

Our leaders today have decided it is more important to be popular, to do what is easy and say “yes,” rather than to say no when “no” is what’s required.
In recent years, we as a country have too often chosen the same path.

An entire speech built on statements like that above, offering little more than slight arousal in the hearts of the most uninformed. Christie sounded like a frat boy delivering the final hitting message in a bad movie about privileged college students..

For those who truly worry about real unemployment rates, about jobs being shipped overseas, about rampant Wall Street fraud and greed, about real Wall Street and banking reform, and about a real revival for the millions of working class men and women who are struggling, Christie should have given solutions, ideas, and figures that would explain why Mitt Romney is his man, and should be ours in this election.

After giving us these ambiguous feel-good sentences about making tough choices, choosing paths, and how he balanced the budget , I expected Christie to end some of his statements with a great shout, “Go Nets!” or “Yeah!”

If you can find pictures of Christie taken from behind, while he stood in front of the podium, you’ll see the pregnant swell of a giant egg in the seat of his bottomless trousers.


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