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Poll: 74% of Americans Would Risk Alien Invasion for New Government & Fresh Start

July 25
14:00 2012
DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE


In a recent poll taken by experts in Washington, the end results produced a startling conclusion that is baffling pundits. The poll results were never meant to be released, but were leaked online. Politicians are struggling over how to read the results, and what they mean in terms of public relations. According to the poll, 74 percent of Americans would gladly risk an alien invasion if there were a chance to get a whole new government and a fresh start for the country and the world.

“If another species stormed our planet from outer space,” Karen Burbright, a shop owner in Alabama, said in response to news of the latest poll results, “and used high-powered ray guns to disintegrate our senators and congressmen and Pentagon officials and our president and his administration and our military commanders and the CIA and FBI, I think America would have very little to complain about.”

When asked if she worried about making incendiary, possibly violent remarks against Washington officials, Burbright simply said no, because Washington doesn’t believe in aliens, except the ones they let stream across the border. “There’s no other way to take our country, or our planet back,” she said. “They’ve got the surveillance in place. They’ve got the guns and the mind control and the ruthless attitudes. We’re not going to beat them without help.”

What about corrupt banksters and CEOs on Wall Street? Would you be pleased if they were targeted by aliens, also? “Aren’t they the same people?” she responded. “Wouldn’t that be the same thing?”

What about Israel’s leaders, who have seen a lot of contempt and hostility over their treatment of the Palestinians and saber-rattling toward Iran? Should the aliens disintegrate them, too? “Oh, the aliens are anti-Semitic,” Burbright said mockingly. “I’m sure that’s what the media would say. But yes, take out Israel’s one percent, please, while the aliens are cleaning house. Don’t stop halfway.”

Infamous and exiled cultural philosopher Hubert Humdinger (pronounced hum-din-jur) commented on this latest poll out of Washington. “Of course Americans would welcome an alien attack! What else have they got to look forward to? They’re going to be forced to pay back trillions in dollars their banking institutions gambled away. Their government is so corrupt, is in the grip of Israel’s evil insanity, and there won’t be any way to spark a revolution without the help of a supreme being or an invasion by an enormous fleet of spaceships commanded by a sophisticated army of creatures from outer space.”

Humdinger said the risk would involve whether or not the aliens would be sympathetic to the masses of underprivileged, trodden peoples of the world who had suffered at the hands of an American government gone rogue. “They burned all my books!” Humdinger said of Washington, “and that was back in the 70s, before 9/11 and the absolute end of the First and Fourth Amendments.”

Americans show an overwhelmingly disapproval for the people running their government and major financial institutions, Humdinger explained over a crackling long distance phone line, “and this goes to show how little the majority of the population connects itself with its government. They see their own government as an alien faction far more dangerous and terminal than the threat of intergalactic invaders.”

Humdinger was run out of America for his spot on analysis of current events, and his scathing criticism of government, military, and the world’s elites. His ability to stir people eventually prompted the burning of the books he’d written. The exiled philosopher releases statements only when a particular news story interests him enough to put pen to paper, or phone to ear. He resides in a secret location in Northern Europe.

As for the poll about aliens, nobody knows who originally wrote it up, conducted it, or paid for it.

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

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The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA’s editors and administrators never dare question what it produces. 

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