Dear Dirty America


White House Suggests Americans Salute One Another During Their Everyday Lives

January 07
03:29 2012
Dear Dirty Newswire

WASHINGTON — In an effort to promote friendliness and statesmanship, the White House suggested American citizens salute one another throughout their everyday interactions and dealings. The suggestion comes as almost like a New Year’s wish, and while there will be no actual enforcement of making the citizenry act in this way, the Obama administration says it hopes “saluting” becomes the thing to do.

Spokesman Jay Carney told reporters that the level of gregariousness among average Americans “is clearly not where it should be, and seems, as of late, abysmally low.” Carney refused to offer any evidence of his claim and said the White House would need a few more weeks to verify those statistics.

“It’s in good faith,” Carney said, “that from up on our metaphorical hill, we see Americans need some sense of camaraderie and loyalty between themselves and their government. When two unacquainted citizens are, say, at a grocery store buying milk and bread, they can instantly dissolve their differences by throwing a proper salute to the other.”

Carney refused to demonstrate the kind of salute the White House had envisioned, but he assured reporters a “standard salute” would soon form, and any other salute would be stigmatized as an abomination to society and country. “There’ll be those who poke fun at our suggestion by using improper, silly salutes, but they’ll soon be recognized and dealt with, naturally.”

The salute, Carney went on explaining, is a constant respectful acknowledgment of your fellow citizen, and your government. “When visitors to the U.S. see Americans saluting each other on the street, at the marketplace, at Wal-Mart, they’ll know this country is made of a fabric woven so tight and strong it will not tear.”

Government officials would be the first to kick off the new salute. “The president promised to bring the country together, not to divide it. We’re confident this will do it,” Carney said. Police officers, firefighters, and postal workers are expected to proudly follow order throughout their everyday routines. Public schools are also expected to participate by promoting saluting among students.

Conservative bloggers have hit back hard at the White House, calling the saluting something that would be seen in Germany during the late 1930s. American media personality Regis Francis Xavier Philbin promoted the idea and said he salutes himself in the mirror every morning. “Saluting has done me a lot of good. Time to spread the good cheer,” he wrote in an email to a close friend that later leaked online.

Fox News TV show host Bill O’Reilly said the White House was at it again, but he failed to mention what “it” was, exactly. “I won’t be saluting,” O’Reilly said, “I shake hands. I don’t mind shaking hands with any real American.”


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