Dear Dirty America

When Congress passed the NDAA bill, many Americans thought that nasty little bit about indefinitely detaining American citizens suspected of terrorism was just for Muslims, but when I told them it was for Christians and other Americans also, they didn’t believe me. When I showed them the document, they were suddenly very frightened. “It seems reasonable for Muslim folks,” one American dad told me, “but I can’t figure out why the president would want to take away the rest of the people’s rights and liberties.”

Man shits pants, sends underwear to Obama

I went to a local Pizza Hut to get the opinion about the NDAA bill from a fair sampling of Americans. When I stepped into the stinky restaurant, there were many serious Americans eating pizza and shaking Parmesan cheese onto their thick, cheese-oozing slices of pie. This isn’t going to go well, I thought to myself, but I’ll press on anyway. This is professional journalism here.

I sat with a family of four at a booth next to a window with a pleasing view outside. They could see the parking lot, and the intricately laid yellow lines marking parking spaces for Pizza Hut diners’ vehicles. The father, I presume, had tucked into his black button up shirt an orange-stained napkin. The wife, I presume, was slightly plump with ruddy cheeks. The two children were young boys who stabbed at their slices of pizza with forks. The pizza was pepperoni, deep dish, and greasy as hell.