Dear Dirty America


Ron Paul the Antichrist? Paranoia from a small meeting in Los Angeles

August 15
18:45 2011
The Antichrist. The son of perdition. The beast. The great deceiver. Ron Paul? Republican presidential candidate? I’d only heard him described as the great Libertarian. These were all phrases thrown out with great ease at the secret meeting I’d been invited to this morning.


I tiptoed into the small assembly at a very small and inconspicuous church on Wilshire Blvd to listen to the latest news from the most Biblical-savvy folks in the nation. They could chop up the most salient phrases in the Bible and mash them together in a way that could startle the Pope. (Who’d already been startled after the Vatican house dog chewed up his mitre)

I sat in the back pew and listened like a church mouse. I found myself grinding my teeth. Those involved in this secret meeting sat on metal chairs positioned in a semi-circle in the aisle between the two rows of pews. They were dressed like peasants. I have never seen this style of dress in Los Angeles.

These modern day God-Channelers were admitted readers of my blog, and wholeheartedly disapproved with most of my content, but they knew I “was their only shot for getting their message out to at least a few people.” I had to agree not to name any names of individuals in their group, or the name of their club. “It’s catching fire,” their spokesman told me. “We’ve got a lot of people who are catching on to Paul. We want you to spread the word to a few more people.”

More than a few people, I’d said on the phone. “How many?” the man with the nasally voice asked. “How many readers do you have?” Anywhere between 200 and 100,000, I said. “Dear Jesus!” he muttered.

Their leader had contacted me over the phone and asked me to write up a quick post about their group’s intimate and startling knowledge that GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul was indeed the feared Antichrist that everybody talked about. And lost sleep over.

You fearful Jesuit! I’d shouted into the phone. I can never contain my emotions with these people. Ron Paul? You slimy bastard, Ron Paul has a perfect economic policy drawn up, but I’m afraid it will only work on paper. That’s the most subterfuge he’s been involved in.

The meeting took over three hours and wasted most of my morning, but I politely stayed seated for the entire affair. Thirteen folks in all, expressing their concern that the Antichrist was not Obama, or Brad Pitt, or Richard Branson (that bastard pissed on the moon), but was looking more and more like Ron Paul.

“Paul’s got a great speaking ability,” said one shrewdish woman with a mustache. “And he’s speaking about a world that is too good to be true.”

“It’s not just that,” a tall thin man said. I recognized his voice. I’d spoken to him on the phone. “Paul is playing up the economic, military, and political disasters of this country and promising a plan for peace.” The man looked hard at everybody seated beside him. “Paul proposes a plan for economic prosperity, he says he can solve our military problems, and he’s calling for religious freedom.”

Everybody shook their heads in disgust. “This would all be great,” another woman said, “if he wasn’t the Antichrist.”

“Take a look at that window,” the tall man said. Every head turned in the direction of his skinny stretched pointer finger. A stained glass window. “The Antichrist with his followers kneeling around him, praying for salvation, for safety, for answers. That’s Paul,” he said.

An especially intelligent and plump Quaker-styled man stood and adjusted his pants. “Who has the sternest countenance of all the GOPers? Or any politician out there?”

Everybody answered “Paul does.”

“Have you ever seen Ron Paul display a desire for the female form?”

Everybody shook their heads.

The man took a deep breath. “It all looks too good to be true. In some ways. Paul will bring all the troops home, he will end the United State’s military terrorism all around the globe, but we know what he’s really planning. Tyranny at home. He will suck us into the isolationism and narcissism that is so typical of the Antichrist, and when we’ve all got our pants around our ankles–”

An old woman wearing a bonnet scoffed.

“–he will unleash our own forces against us and Israel to stop the bankers and Wall Street. We’ll be hoodwinked, folks.”

“Do you think he’ll get to be president?” the old bonnet-lady asked.

“He almost won the Iowa Ames straw poll!” the tall thin man said.

The plump man took his seat. “Paul seems so so wonderful, and he seems like he will solve all the world’s problems, and that he’ll take care of the military problem, the terrorism problem, the financial problem, the political system problem, the fiat money problem, the human rights problem, the Constitutional degradation problem. But after three-and-a half years of this seemingly perfect problem-solving, Paul will break his covenant with us and he will destroy us.” He put his hands to his face. “I can’t stand to see us get sucked in like this!” he shouted. His knee jerked seventy-five times in one minute.

When the meeting finally ended everybody came over to me to shake my hand. “You think you can write us a good story out of this?” their tall spokesman asked. You bet, I said. I’m glad somebody’s catching on to the deception of this Ron Paul character. You know, I told them, he used to be a fringe candidate, and now he’s mainstream. That’s a solid sign of the Antichrist.

They nodded and had great looks of alarm on their faces. “Fringe no more,” somebody said. “We’ve got a real challenge on our hands.”

I’ll help spread the word, I said.

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1 Comment

  1. Brittan
    Brittan August 15, 18:59

    That was too funny, lmao.

    “You know, I told them, he used to be a fringe candidate, and now he’s mainstream. That’s a solid sign of the Antichrist.” Classic!

    Reply to this comment

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