Dear Dirty America

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Salacious Weiner Articles: Boondoggle Or Solid Political Insight?

July 26
12:30 2013
ADAM MICHAEL LUEBKE

A friend of mine, who is on an indulgent New Orleans trip, asked me what was happening in the news besides the royal baby spawn that emerged from the perfect loins of the Dutchess of Cambridge (that’s how my friend put it). So I told her, Remember Anthony Weiner? Well…he did it again.”AGAIN?!” is what my friend wrote back. “Why am I not surprised?”

But I didn’t tell her what a sloppy mess the media made over round two of the Weiner debacle. The headline yesterday, in the Huffington Post of all places, read that Weiner prematurely ejaculates during phone sex. It was a horrendous piece of sensational fluff, even for the HuffPo, but there’s an inadvertent lesson to be learned in this article that actually redeems it, slightly.The unsettling part about Weiner’s antics and phone performance is not that he can’t hold it longer, or prolong the play with his audible lover, which is what the article suggests like a bunch of high school boys laughing like hyenas in the gymnasium locker room, but instead I’m concerned about Weiner’s lack of interest in another human being.

He not only lied to the young woman he was wooing. He not only promised her a condo in Chicago that would become their love nest. He not only denied his true love for his wife, Huma (who still stands by the disgraced former congressman’s side) and called it a political marriage. He not only lured his lover with a prominent position at Politico (hell, why not Dear Dirty America?). Anthony Weiner didn’t even care enough about the physical satisfaction of his lover while in the heat of the moment.

This does actually tell us a lot about how he would act as mayor. In fact, looking back on his career in the House of Representatives, I’m certain the unflattering dirt on Weiner more than ever reflects accurately on his politics — all for show. Sure, Weiner seemed like a good liberal combating the staunch, irresponsible, and sometimes downright bigoted heavyweight GOPers, but who was he doing it for? He’s a narcissist and a very selfish man. It’s clearer now than ever. Mr Weiner’s base chakra is out of whack (selfishness, obsessed with one thing….)

But still, America, you care too much about other people’s sexual exploits. When we start flapping our gums in protest of the bedroom antics of our politicians, I’d ask you if you had any inkling of Anthony Weiner’s voting record as a congressman. Did you like his policies? Did you think he made good points? Was he a true liberal fighting for the middle class in a world where all too many politicians are virtually sponsored by a handful of powerful corporations?

It was our society’s harsh judgment of Eliot Spitzer’s dirty deeds that brought down the Sheriff of Wall Street. Never mind he was brave and somewhat effective in fighting white collar crime. Once America heard the word prostitute, they dumped Spitzer into the toilet like a wad of used toilet paper. But why? His lifestyle was made into a scandal because he fought some powerful people. That should have made him a hero, not a villain.

And Bill Clinton. He is a monster for many reasons, but coming in Monica Lewinsky’s mouth isn’t one of the worst.

Now that Weiner is dropping in the mayoral race polls, he’ll most likely have to fall of the media’s radar for another year or so and hope the American public’s chronic amnesia wipes out the most salacious details of this affair.

I’m only partially warm to Weiner’s voting record and political platform. His actual zest for sexy relationships does not bother me. I look at it like this: Anthony Weiner, whether he knows it or not, has been polishing his sacral chakra. For those of you who don’t know where that’s at, it’s the energy center pitted 1-2 inches below your navel. The sacral chakra’s color is orange. It is connected to sexuality, as well as intuition and creativity.

To Anthony Weiner I’d say, There are six other chakras, sir! Each one as important as the rest. Open them all. Get some balance.

No time for boondoggle…

One man who has opened fully all seven chakras is the exiled, infamous cultural philosopher, Hubert Humdinger. That’s why he only appears to be about fifty-six years old when he’s actually between 90-140. Nobody knows his age for sure, and Humdinger refuses to figure it out.

“The celestial energy, as abundant but even more infinite than the sun, flows through my head and blasts straight through me and out between my legs like a bolt of lightning,” Humdinger once told me. “It tipples every organ and soaks every cell on its way through. I’m a lightning rod for the divine,” he said.

Perhaps that’s why the US government burned all 367 of Humdinger’s books on culture, society, and spirituality. And maybe Anthony Weiner, disgraced twice now, with the same sexting scandal threatening to dash his long held dreams of an illustrative political career, could take a bit of advice from Humdinger.

When I asked the good philosopher, who lives in Northern Europe in an undisclosed location, what he thought about Anthony Weiner’s misdeed, Hubert Humdinger refused to believe me. He hadn’t heard about the scandal, nor had he heard of the ex-New York congressman. Humdinger doesn’t surround himself in “boondoggle” like I do.

“That sounds like another one of your make believe news articles,” he shouted over our scratchy Skype feed. His chiseled face and smooth skin reflected the light of his desk lamp. “Anthony Weiner?” he asked again and again. “If you’re going to write satirical news articles,” he warned, “don’t make them so obvious!”

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