Dear Dirty America

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIREThe London police chief said he hated to burden America with the out of control rioting, but the U.K.’s police force simply could not handle the violent protesting — so he’s called in Captain America. There has been no word yet from Captain America on whether or not he will go fight the right-wing London extremist protesters, but his fans worldwide say the superhero is simply unable to ignore genuine cries of help.

“We obtained Captain America’s cell number from the Pentagon after we went through an hour of security procedures, and we did get the superhero on the phone. I asked him if we could borrow him for a day to quell the protests in London. He couldn’t give us an immediate answer because he was busy holding up the Dow Jones, but he said he’d think about it.”

London is burning, has been the most interesting phrase of the evening, other than the Dow Jones is going down down down.

Texas governor Rick Perry expressed distaste at London’s request for Captain America’s help. “Why don’t they ask God for help?” he asked journalists, “because Captain America isn’t really real.”

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