Dear Dirty America

He’ll want a wig that doesn’t draw too much attention

Ironically, George Zimmerman, riding high off of a “not guilty” verdict, is worried about vigilante justice. He’s worried, I imagine, about a high strung individual with the dream of becoming a cop or a judge chasing him down, provoking him into a fight, and then blasting him with a handgun when he fights back.

So, he’s been given back the famous murder weapon — the Zimmerman 9mm. I guess this is OK because Zimmerman, according to the jury’s verdict, didn’t actually murder anyone. He simply squeezed off a shot, and it connected with a 17 year old boy’s chest.

If nothing else, Zimmerman, now a free man (to the extent he can be free), should be armed with a pack of Skittles and iced tea. If an angry bastard hunts him down, Zimmerman will have to entice him with candy, and hope that works.

While Zimmerman’s brother has been appearing on various major news networks to praise George’s character, not everybody is convinced. In fact, as you probably get the same sense I do, a lot of people hate George Zimmerman. If anything, he’ll need the sage guidance of a witness protection program on how to disguise himself.

The wig worked — Cain got himself hired at Fox News

I’d recommend what Herman Cain did during his push to be the GOP nominee for presiden, atfter multiple women came forward and complained of past sexual harassment. After he was thoroughly disgraced, and clearly not the upstanding family man he’d tried to portray himself as, Cain reinvented himself by wearing a wig. The disguise was so transforming that Fox News agreed to hire him as a consultant and commentator, despite the sex scandals. Imagine the stories Cain and Bill O’Reilly can tell over lunch in the break room about “rubbing women the wrong way.”

But back to Zimmerman. He isn’t a cold-blooded killer. He’s an overzealous man who wants to be a law enforcer, and probably dreamed of firing his gun in a real situation, if only he could find one to justify it. His Sanford, Twin Lakes gated community had been burglarized a few times before the Trayvon Martin incident, and understandably tensions were escalated.

Zimmerman, undoubtedly, thought he was chasing down a potential criminal. That is the scariest element to this case. We don’t need armed night watchmen deciding who might be suspicious of committing a crime, and then chasing them, and cornering them until the situation escalates into a physical confrontation.

When Trayvon Martin was sick of being pursued, he pounced on the shorter Zimmerman and bashed his head into the pavement. Martin, who is not a little boy as much of the media has implied, but rather a young man with long arms and a strong body, seemed to be thoroughly hammering Zimmerman. Zimmerman panicked, and POW! Here we are. Racial tensions. Gun control tensions. Everybody gets to see what they want to in this case.

So Zimmerman should have been charged with something. Maybe 2nd degree murder was too much for the jury. The situation is complicated. But don’t think for a second that Zimmerman is a free man. He’s languishing mentally. He’s in his own hell. He could be assassinated any moment. He’s also got the weighty realization on his soul that he killed a 17-year old kid. Zimmerman is destroyed. I don’t think he’s got any real fun plans in his future.

Which is why he’ll need a convincing wig to disguise himself.

Imagine being George Zimmerman going to the grocery store. Or to the theater. Or walking down the street enjoying the sunshine. Imagine being George Zimmerman applying for a job, or finishing up his Criminal Justice degree.

What a nightmare. For everybody involved.

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