Dear Dirty America


George Zimmerman Ready To Get Back Out There

July 14
08:55 2013
It’s hardly been twenty-four hours since the controversial Trayvon Martin trial has wrapped up, but sources close to the defendant say George Zimmerman, encouraged by a ‘not guilty’ verdict, is ready to “get back out there” as night watchman.

Apparently he’s in good spirits and “stoked beyond belief” about the not guilty verdict. He’d been fearful he was going to have to finish up his Criminal Justice degree in jail.

Other Florida gated communities, like the one in which Martin and Zimmerman’s fates became entangled, are floating ideas of erecting lifelike Zimmerman statues that, “at night, basically look like the real guy” in an effort to ward off teenagers wearing hooded sweatshirts.

“It just makes good sense,” a Mrs Wanderdorf said about the Zimmerman statue proposal. She admitted she was not from a middle-income, gated community like Twin Lakes in Sanford, Florida, but rather a much pricier part of town where residents are so well-to-do they save more money by clipping coupons every Sunday than Trayvon Martin’s family makes in two years.

“If we can keep the punks and the thugs away from our homes with a beaming statue of George Zimmerman, then I want two of those statues. I want it to be that everywhere one of those hooded punks looks, he sees a Zimmerman! A Zimmerman here. A Zimmerman there. A Zimmerman every…” she said, before trailing off.

The major dilemma being discussed is whether or not Zimmerman’s 9mm should be showing, not showing, or implied somehow. “Like a bulge beneath his waistband,” Wanderdorf exclaimed. “Or maybe the statue should have a holster.”

The real George Zimmerman probably hasn’t had much time to think about the future, other than resuming his role as Neighborhood Watch, since he’s only just been handed his not guilty version a few hours ago, but enterprising Zimmerman fans are talking about starting a school for vigilantes, with Zimmerman’s prowess as the basis of their curriculum.

“We’ll teach our Neighborhood Watch team not only how to call the cops when they see something suspicious,” an anonymous night watchmen in support of the possible Zimmerman Neighborhood Watch School said, “but to also follow, hunt down, provoke, and ultimately draw out the suspected criminal into an unfair gun battle before he can actually commit the crime.”

Mrs Wanderdorf, sliding her gold and silver bracelets up her arm in a nervous sweep, said Zimmerman represents the new, “cutting edge of crime prevention”.

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