Dear Dirty America

The headlines sent a jolt around the world. ‘Pastor of mega church resigns’ and ‘Famous preacher rejects faith’.

Televangelist Joel Osteen supposedly renounced his faith late last week, leaving his legions of fans bewildered and panicking. As it turns out, the website responsible for the announcement, which included a fabricated CNN article, had played an elaborate hoax on the Osteeneans out there.

“I believe now that the Bible is a fallible, flawed, highly inconsistent history book that has been altered hundreds of times. There is zero evidence the Bible is the holy word of God,” Osteen was reported to have said.

While the hoax did a fine job exposing the oftentimes fraudulent world of televangelists and their enormous cache of wealth and abundance, which is more often contributed to them by their followers than by God himself, many of Osteen’s ardent fans were relieved to hear that their pastor did not, indeed, renounce the Bible, or Christ.

In a quick turn of luck, however, the Osteen camp, while battling the false accusations running rampant online, received a boon of support from the American Dental Association. The ADA, as it turned out, was a long-time supporter of Osteen, but not because of his faith.

“We’ve never seen such glowing white teeth,” said one ADA board member, Harlan Glick. “For a long time we’ve been wanting to award an outstanding set of teeth, but were hesitant to do so. We’ve had our eyes on Olsteen,” he said, inadvertently mispronouncing the televangelist’s name, “and we thought, with all the hardship coming his way this week, we ought to extend our private admiration publicly.”

Osteen will receive a plaque honoring the pristine quality of his teeth. “Here’s to great smiles everywhere,” the plaque will read, as soon as it’s crafted.

Another ADA board member, who wished to go unnamed, said he’s never seen teeth like the mega-pastor’s set. “Not only white in front, but perfect pearl white behind. Not a flaw, not a black or brown mark, not a chip anywhere. Flossing and brushing daily cannot produce those types of results. He’s truly a man of faith and integrity with a flawless set like that.”

Osteen was not available for comment on the quality of his faith or his teeth, which is, it is believed, not wholly disconnected.