Dear Dirty America

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John McCain’s Mall Creature

October 31
11:00 2012
ADAM MICHAEL LUEBKE
Los Angeles

I stumbled upon the following paragraph in an article detailing the eerie mutual love and respect between John McCain and a mall creature called Snooki. Because Obama put a 10 percent tax on tanning in 2010, and Snooki said John McCain would never tax tanning because he’s pale. I’m sure, since this Snooki has become an icon of a decadent society, she could write off her tanning expenses when she files her taxes. It’s obviously part of her charm.

Dear Jesus, folks, you couldn’t make this stuff up. I couldn’t think of this kind of satire. Politicians and pop celebs. Here’s the paragraph that grabbed me:

Snooki told the 2008 Republican presidential nominee’s daughter, Meghan McCain, that she voted for her father in his campaign for the White House “because he was really cute and [she] liked when he did his speeches.”

She liked when he did his speeches? Because he was really cute? Is this not indicative of the elementary levels of reasoning that most people in America possess? And are these not the qualifications by which most Americans use as judgment to vote for their president? Can we as a populace really be trusted to vote, and vote consciously?

And if you say, “No! Americans aren’t that stupid. It’s just that creature called Snooki who gives us a bad name.” Then I say, well, why do we pay her $30,000 every time she speaks at a university? Somebody in this country thinks she’s influential and worth the time.

George Bush was a guy we wanted to have a beer with. So we elected him twice. Obama talked smooth, and he said he was going to fix absolutely everything. He seemed cool. He is also black. So we voted for him. John McCain was too old, too white, and he had that gigantic bulge on his face. Watching him speak was the most intense thing I’d ever witnessed — just waiting for that swell in his jaw to burst open like a semi-hollowed pumpkin being blown out by a lit firecracker thrown inside.

Is this Snooki creature really just an advocate for the majority of adults in this nation? It seems so. And yet, take a good look at her mug. She’s the very essence of an irresponsible, drunken sorority girl who lives to party four nights a week. A girl who rarely leaves her house except to drive to the tanning booth and back. A girl who eats meat but has no idea where it comes from. A girl who can’t figure out why her body won’t lose weight, even though she ends up at Burger King or Wendy’s three late mornings a week after her hard nights of drinking.

But how long have we suffered from such a debilitating malady? Did it start with the first televised presidential debate in 1960 between Richard Nixon and John Kennedy? America watched Nixon sweating like a pig and looking haggard and gruff, and they saw a cool, suave Kennedy, so despite the fact that he was mostly considered the winner of that debate, JFK was voted into office.

I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I’m not some closet Nixon freak who wishes the man were still alive. But the example is to say appearance is everything in this society, especially with the ubiquitous TV and Internet access. What will it take to bring logic into our lives? To kick the rhetoric and appearance to the curb, because it’s mostly bullshit (which is the term Obama tacked onto Romney, but he forgot to include himself).

SEE ALSO

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