Dear Dirty America


Paul Ryan Blows Jesus’ Head Off With Powerful Pistol

August 31
20:30 2012
Los Angeles

An article in Time’s “Ideas” section asks if GOP vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan’s budget plan is “un-Christian”. That’s the type of watered down journalism and armchair punditry that wastes our time. First of all, how do we define “Christianity”, and who is Jesus Christ to you? For many Americans, Jesus Christ is an exceptional American who stands behind fire bombing Dresden, and obliterating Baghdad multiple times within the last twenty years.

For others, Jesus Christ is the guy you lay the blame on when your cigarette doesn’t light. Or your toaster oven starts on fire. Or when your overweight body is in too much pain climbing the stairs to the office because the elevators are out of service.

In short, defining Jesus as the guy from the Gospels, the answer to Time’s question is rather simple. Of course Ryan’s budget is un-Christian. It places the mighty and powerful and extremely rich before the poor. The spin, however, is that eventually that budget plan will be Christ-like, eventually, because the massive amount of wealth will trickle down to the rest of us poor buzzards who Jesus spoke so highly of.


What if Jesus Christ had returned during the Republican National Convention, and landed on stage while Paul Ryan spoke of cutting taxes for the wealthiest Americans, and allowing the world’s most wealthy corporations to operate without government regulations?

Wait, stop this baloney. Why would Jesus return during the RNC? That’s outlandish. But is it? Isn’t it the Second Coming that has us all relieved about how fast we’re using up the earth’s resources and polluting our air, rivers, lakes, oceans, and soil? Wasn’t that the idea behind not looking further into the global warming evidence? Jesus is coming. If not tomorrow, then pretty soon. So, what if Jesus had returned during Paul Ryan’s speech? I can’t think of a better goddamned time.

Let’s be honest. Ryan would have pulled out from an inside suit pocket his 10mm Glock 20 and aimed it right at Jesus’ forehead. To his credit, he wouldn’t have seen Jesus Christ on stage. Instead, Ryan would have been set to knock a hole into the head of the world’s most accomplished hippie. The quintessential homeless man. The biggest eyesore at the RNC, other than that black woman running the camera. And if black people are called animals and get peanuts thrown at them at the Republican convention, then an Arab looking Jesus Christ is not the GOP’s idea of holy.

Two slugs into Jesus’ chest. Two more to blow apart his head. America’s vice presidential nominee still standing on stage. Holding a smoking gun. A perverted, tightened smile on his face. Half excited, half shocked. A bleeding, familiar-looking prophet spread eagle and bleeding all over the stage. Then, the questions would have begun.

On one hand, Ryan would have admired the great stopping power of the 10mm handgun. Could stop a rhino. On the other hand, he would wonder if he’d just lost them the election. What would Ayn Rand say?

All in front of a cheering crowd. Marco Rubio tittering with glee. Chris Christie spilling the remaining chunk of his mustard and relish covered hotdog into the lap of his pants. Nobody at the RNC would have flinched. That’s the type of intensity on which they thrive.

Once they find out they’d incapacitated Jesus, and at a company event, Ryan and Romney might consider possible methods of damage control. Nothing an aggressive television ad campaign can’t fix. But who would have thought Jesus would have smelled like shit? Dirty feet. Grimy face. Greasy hair. Blackened fingernails. Missing teeth.

The new TV ad about why the VP nominee blasted two holes into Jesus’ forehead? “A few gunshot wounds. Nothing Jesus can’t handle,” Ryan might have said in a grave tone. “But this is the lingering and disastrous effects of a Barack Obama presidency. Getting us all worked up like this. Making me and Mitt trigger happy. I wouldn’t have pulled the trigger had John McCain been in office. Or Ronald Reagan. You see, it’s the class warfare.”

Or, in Ryan’s natural ability to create alliteration, he might have told the audience, “Just juiced Jesus, but it’s nothing he can’t spring back from. He’s used to this sort of thing. If you read the Bible, and stuff, you’d see. He’s really used to being mistaken in really tragic ways. At the end of the day, I’m forgiven.”


Paul Ryan converted while reading Atlas Shrugged on Koch mansion toilet

Paul Ryan’s alliteration dazzling, but possibly confusing

Chris Christie’s failed speech: like watching the King of Queens guy talk politics

A day without pay: if the Murray miners knew the truth, they’d stomp Romney into the stage

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1 Comment

  1. Marlene Wilkins
    Marlene Wilkins September 01, 03:08

    ‘Mandatory’…but ‘no one was forced’.
    there’s a charming bit of ‘logic’.
    I had a boss like that once too, back before I got married.
    NObody needs that kind of ‘choice’.

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