Dear Dirty America

The U.S. Dept of Homeland Security scrambled late Monday night to compile a comprehensive manual warning against the dangers of lightning and other natural effects, such as honey bee stings and wild boar attacks. These things could potentially cause harm or death to any American citizen, and they are more likely to kill an American than terrorism.

“The department felt like it had been caught with its pants down,” an anonymous intern said, “because nobody told us until now that Americans were much more likely to get killed in a car accident, or even a lightning strike than a terrorist attack. Apparently a lot of people knew that already, but somebody just told us tonight.”

Homeland Security is in a frenzy detailing safety techniques in dealing with wild lightning storms, areas known to be the homes of honey bees, and the country’s busy freeway systems.

“We’ve spent so much money on the preventing terrorism, we feel kind of silly that we haven’t done more in these other areas of danger. To our credit, we have done a lot in the way of aviation safety, chemical monitoring, and counterterrorism in general,” the intern said.

A rough calculation done recently showed an American citizen’s chances of being killed by a terrorist to be one in 20 million. But how does Homeland Security stop a lightning attack? “We don’t really know yet. We’ve got our best people studying it. I suppose the most we can do right now is write up a few manuals warning about the dangers, and then monitor every piece of sky over America so nobody gets hurt.”