Dear Dirty America


NY Times Needs One Humdinger of A Writer To Gain Relevance

NY Times Needs One Humdinger of A Writer To Gain Relevance
February 13
01:08 2014

According to Paul Joseph Watson’s article at Infowars, the New York Times is not as prestigious or highly regarded as it once was, and its editorials and opinion pieces do not hold the weight they used to:

“I think the editorials are viewed by most reporters as largely irrelevant, and there’s not a lot of respect for the editorial page,” one source told the [The New York Observer]. “The editorials are dull, and that’s a cardinal sin.”

“They’re completely reflexively liberal, utterly predictable, usually poorly written and totally ineffectual,” said another. “I mean, just try and remember the last time that anybody was talking about one of those editorials. You know, I can think of one time recently, which is with the [Edward] Snowden stuff, but mostly nobody pays attention, and millions of dollars is being spent on that stuff.”

When Infowars detects blood in the water, they chase after the source with unprecedented vengeance. It seems the gray whale is sick and bleeding, its thick skin lined with hairline cracks, and it’s swimming in languid circles like it’s suffered a stroke and can only lean lightly left. Meanwhile, alternative media is sharpening its bite with gained cultural relevance and vitality and gliding around the groaning old beast.

How can the behemoth media outlets regain their strength? How can they stem the hemorrhaging and regain a healthy prominence in our society?

My idea will not be popular, but it is bold. And boldness is what our media institutions need more of these days.

Hubert_HumdingerI suggest the New York Times reinstate the opinions of exiled cultural philosopher Hubert Humdinger.  The man is not short on edgy ideas, nor is he a pushover or a panderer. He’ll bare his teeth at “reflexively liberal” ideas. He’ll saw at the air with his hands and preach against dull editorials. He’s a man you’d want in the paper’s break room. Slightly offensive. Not at all squeamish.

Let Humdinger [pronounced hum-din-jer] back into the anemic mainstream American discourse about politics, the economy, freedom of speech, and religion. Let an old horse back into the ring! I say.

The old philosopher will get people talking. And he could use a decent paycheck. Just consider what he’s said (without hesitation) about  the NSA surveillance centers,

“You cannot blow up the goddamned system! Our tyrants are far more sophisticated than that. What did you think tyranny would look like? A Nazi takeover with tasteless architecture, marching jackboots, and flamboyant hand signs? They’ve got us by the digital short hairs.”

and, when the president told a room full of Dreamworks executives that American entertainment is still one of the bright spots of our struggling economy, Hubert Humdinger was quick to retort that for awhile, during his darkest period as a young man, “…wacking off was one of the bright spots in my life, but that doesn’t mean it should have been celebrated.”

Imagine if Humdinger had a solid audience for these ideas. He’d churn out multiple columns a week for the Times, and Andrew Rosenthal would have his greasy hands full. Rosenthal would have to take his editing duties with him on his lunch break to figure out how to harness Humdinger’s raw intelligence.

And don’t think a working lunch would be enough. Rosenthal’s red pen would be hovering over Humdinger’s slanted, handwritten paragraphs throughout the tiring afternoon, long after the Times editor’s energy had faded, but the smell of mayonnaise still lingering on his fingers leftover from his delectable egg salad sandwich he’d torn apart hours before.

Humdinger doesn’t only pontificate on risky political ideas. He gets quite a charge from challenging common social practices. For example, Humdinger’s view on masturbation and ejaculation, whether in a birth canal or a yellowed gym sock, could be a whole column unto itself:

“It’s only stoking the lower energies when what we need more of on this planet is a regeneration of higher vibration!” Humdinger has told me more than once over our shaky Skype connection. Imagine that as a story in the Times from an infamous exiled cultural philosopher!

“If I feel the urge to spring one off one dull afternoon after I see a pretty lady on the street with a set of plump hams beneath her dress, I remember one of my golden rules by which I live: ‘If you shoot it, you gotta eat it.’

“Now how’s that for a deterrent!” he shouted.

And if you think that’s crude, Humdinger has other sides. He’s got depth. He’s not afraid to take a stance on any issue and argue it until the cows, the sheep, the horses, the goats, and the roosters come home. He’s not worried about being wrong. He’s worried about an extreme lack of discourse in America, and the world, between real human beings.

What I mean is, Humdinger is experienced. He’s fought in wars. He’s killed other men. He’s been a long time pacifist ever since. The man does not know how old he is, but we suspect he’s been on this planet for no fewer than 150 years. Yet, he only looks a grizzled seventy.

How’s that for a writer on the senior editorial staff!

If you’re scoffing at the notion that Humdinger could be over 150 years old, it means you don’t get out much. You’re stuck in what is called “patterns of uninspired thinking”. Li Ching Yuen lived for at least 256 years, and that’s according to the New York Times. Yuen roamed around the Chinese mountain ranges and picked herbs. He didn’t last that long by destroying egg salad sandwiches for lunch.

If you live right, eat purely, sleep deeply, worry not, you too may reach your full life potential. And for the two or three humans on the planet who do live that long each generation, they should be first in line to hold positions on the senior editorial staff at the New York Times. But don’t think you’re going to hear about these folks outside of publications like Dear Dirty America.

They almost always go unreported, because then we’d have 7 billion shit heads thinking they might be able to exist longer than 77 years on average, and just think how that would devastate the healthcare system and the economy and the use of planetary resources.

[photo is New York Times advertisement, 1895]

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  1. A Hopeful American
    A Hopeful American February 14, 00:14

    I got a fever and all that’s going to cure it is more Humdinger! This sorry excuse of a country needs a voice of reason instead of all those hillbillies up North milking cats in between shoveling the sludgy aftermath of Snowpocolypse from their suburban driveways. I prefer not to divulge my exact location (although I’m certain the NSA could provide that info in a New York minute), but I will say that The Honorable Humdinger would be welcome in my fair city; and should he choose to make a rare appearance, I could personally guarantee his wisdom would not be pearls before swine. I’ll pack ’em in I tell you! By the droves! We’ll have plenty of yellow socks (for illustrative purposes) and street walkers whose surgically enhanced lady parts rival the Kardashian sister trio (well perhaps duo–Courtney K. is the Teller to their Penn). Don’t keep America waiting much longer O wise exiled One! We need you!

    Reply to this comment
    • DDA
      DDA Author February 20, 02:08

      Dear Hopeful American,

      Please know I’ve passed on this lively comment to Mr Humdinger, who expressed mild satisfaction upon reading it. When it comes to Hubert Humdinger’s stoicism in the face of both criticism and praise, mild satisfaction expressed by the old philosopher is the equivalent to almost any other human on earth being ‘fucking ecstatic’.

      Lastly, Humdinger said it’s been so long since another human being has shown his ideas respect and dignity, he could have almost shed a few tears, however, he is not one to waste water. “It’s a precious resource,” he said, “and once you’ve trapped it inside the body, you should plan to hold onto it a little while.”

      He admitted that after reading your comment, Hopeful American, he is a slightly more hopeful old SOB.

      Reply to this comment

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