Dear Dirty America

PULP WIRE

Senator John McCain’s heart exploded Saturday morning from what doctors are calling an “unfortunate series of devastating misfortunes”. Among the factors that caused McCain’s heart to blow a hole in its left ventricle and blast bloody shreds of the organ against the backs of his lungs is the latest report that the military, during the Congress-befuddled government shutdown, has grown so lax anyone familiar with America’s armed forces wouldn’t recognize them.

Among contributing factors that are not being addressed include the supposed ‘death tap’ that McCain’s top aides feared he suffered this summer, while visiting Syria’s rebel leaders.

“What have we done to the Empire?” McCain is reported to have whispered. Medical officials have refused to comment on the Arizona lawmaker’s status, however an anonymous source said doctors do not know how exactly the Maverick continues to live with a blown out heart like a shredded tire that was run on flat too long, except that he does, and he is, so far.

The report that circulated around to booze-addled Congressmen described military personnel having already, only days into the government shutdown, forsaken the formal “Sir, yes sir!’ Among other unruly behavior includes the disturbing trend of seeing “boots with scuffs” and “offending wrinkles in the uniforms of service members.”

While the military is still being paid to serve and protect the country with pride, honor, and vengeance, the lackadaisical atmosphere of a shutdown government and a constipated Congress has generated “unchecked apathy” among the upper and lower ranks of personnel.

A particularly disconcerting story found in the report highlights a young man, working the MQ-1 Predator drone controls out of a military bunker in Oklahoma, who decided not to fire upon a pickup truck being driven through a crowded Pakistani neighborhood. The driver was a suspected terrorist, but the service member missed his chance at completing the objective because drone strikes were, according to his statement on the matter, “becoming boring and not as much fun as just maneuvering the drone through the air in new and exciting ways.”

The report also complained, “It is not infrequent to see five o’clock shadows on the faces of men and women in the military, and even more often there lacks the will of superiors to discipline, as is customary, for such malfeasance.”

Senator McCain, who is currently suffering in an undisclosed hospital, had initially clutched his heart at the sight of a military member who had dyed his hair orange and yellow. Behind the member with the “clown hair”, the report said, was another wearing an “unnatural, lawless wig that recalled images of the 60s for anybody unfortunate enough to have had to survive through that decade.”

The picture was included in the report and proved to be the final jolt that dropped the Maverick to his knees.

Ironically, the incident has not been linked to the national ‘death tap’ scare that took place this summer when the wily Senator met with Syria’s Al Qaeda rebel army to discuss what kinds of weapons and air cover would aid them in toppling the Bashar al-Assad regime.

Intelligence officials did not make public the possibility that Senator McCain suffered a death tap. He was said to be in good health, but as one anonymous official told reporters, “Death taps are tricky buzzards because depending upon the method, the effect of it may not be apparent for a few days, weeks, or months.”

The story dried up quickly and is not being addressed as a possible factor at this time.