Dear Dirty America

I received a spine-tingling email from MoveOn about a new method to drive progressive voters to the polls in record breaking droves. The method is so covert because the other side (the conservatives, I suppose) cannot know about it, otherwise they’ll get their folks to the polls also.

And then the polling places will be packed. Hot and sweaty and smelly and unpleasant. But take note, MoveOn writes, that their method will work, and will increase progressive voter turnout by 370 percent. Which means, even though I can’t be trusted to know the actual magic method, I should still “chip in $5”.

When Harry Reid, the senator from Nevada, asked me to chip in $5 for Barack Obama and the progressive cause, I wrote him an email about how he should chip in five bucks to me, also, and my blog. But MoveOn has intrigued me with this secret message:

I think we may have just discovered the silver bullet that could help us win the whole election.

Two weeks ago, we ran a secret test of a new voter turnout method in a state primary election. There were 170,000 voters in the study. We just got back the results, and our new method was 3.7 times more effective, dollar for dollar, than the best techniques used by campaigns today. Take a look at this simple chart:

Making phone calls |==

Sending mail       |=====

Going door-to-door |=======

OUR NEW METHOD     |=========================

That’s as much as these folks will say about it. But look at those results! I always knew making phone calls wasn’t worth much, but I didn’t know it was as lousy as two “equals” signs. Sending mail is 2.5 times greater a method, it seems. But THE NEW METHOD is worth so many “equals” signs that I don’t even want to count them.

The only other clue as to what this secret method might entail comes in this cryptic paragraph:

I can’t give all the details of what we figured out, because we don’t want the other side to know. So this has to be somewhat vague. But basically, we took groundbreaking research from social psychology, and for the first time, applied it to voting. And, wow, it really worked!

Social psychology. How people’s thought and emotions are influenced by the presence of others. What does this mean? How is Move On going to manipulate society? By tapping into our impulses?

Basically, they want about 3 million dollars to carry out their top secret new method that measures over and above other campaign measures by 3.7 percent more “equal” signs.

Here’s the bottom line. I won’t chip in $5 unless the head of MoveOn calls me and tells me exactly what their new method entails, and if it’s safe to unleash on the general public, and if there are, truly, any progressives running for prominent positions.

Maybe Roseanne Barr. Are they talking about her? I’d vote for her. What about Mike Gravel? Is he running for anything? Russ Feingold?

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