Dear Dirty America

Dear Dirty NewswireHerman Cain’s rise to the top of the GOP presidential race contenders was short-lived. After multiple women came forward and claimed Cain had sexually harassed them, it was Ginger White’s claim of a thirteen year affair that caused Cain’s suspension of his campaign. Now, the pizza chain emperor has finally announced he’s been disgraced, and he’s looking for new beginnings.

“I asked myself, like any good businessman does, how to right the wrong. Well, I’ve righted the wrong by getting a professionally made wig, made just for my head. I’m a new man. New beginnings,” Cain said. “You can still vote for me in Iowa, but I’m not running. I’m going to concentrate on this wig.”

Another alluring aspect of wearing a wig is disguise. “Nobody should recognize me when I’m out and about. I can’t even have dinner without people slapping me on the back and rubbing my shoulders. I appreciate the support, but I don’t need it. I’m innocent as Adam and Eve before the fall.”

Cain was asked by reporters if he would be shaving his mustache, but he refused to answer. “I want to focus on the wig,” he said, “because I’m focused on starting anew. I’ll be back in the presidential ring in four years.”

Ginger White blasted Cain for being arrogant. “I’m confident,” Cain said. “A lot of people give me their support. When I have a cup of coffee or breakfast, people in the cafe always tell me they know my accusers are attacking me without merit.”

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

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