Dear Dirty America

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIREBank of America, in a rather startling twist to their normal demeanor, announced Friday afternoon that they’d be treating every American to one half-an-hour massage. The claim looks legitimate, so far. Because of BofA’s role in the mortgage / housing crisis, America’s largest bank wishes to “give back” and help release some of the tension afflicting the majority of those in the United States.

Brian Katt

“Bank of America wishes to formerly apologize for its role in the housing crisis and financial meltdown,” a spokesman for the multinational bank said, “so we’re giving back by offering every American a massage, free of charge. BofA got carried away foreclosing millions of homes and amplifying the crisis. Bank of America made a lot of money while hurting a lot of people out there, and we’re truly sorry.”

The details are still fuzzy. It looks like the bank will ask any American willing to take up the offer to go to their preferred masseuse, and from there the bill will be sent to Bank of America’s headquarters. Each customer will have to provide a copy of their birth certificate and state-issued ID to prevent people from receiving multiple massages on BofA’s dime.

“We realize not every American likes a massage, and not everyone will go for it, but this is our way to give back to every one of you who feels they’ve been hurt by our actions,” the spokesman said. “We know we didn’t directly affect the financial security of every American, but we know we had a hand in the downturn of the economy which has affected 95 percent of Americans.”

Bank of America hopes to have the details hammered out starting Sunday. The offer will be available for two weeks from the start date. The offer is proposed to cost the bank around 1$ billion.

This offering is yet another sign that America’s largest banks and corporations are feeling the frustration of the American public. One of the very strangest outreaches by Wall Street happened two years ago when Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfiend took his guitar to homeless shelters across the United States to perform for those hit by the financial crisis. He said he was sorry for his part in the greatest financial disaster to hit the U.S. since the Great Depression.