Dear Dirty America

The Obama administration laid out a new plan to fund the building of ten new mosques around the United States in order to promote religious diversity. The plan, the White House claims, will also put many good people to work.

There are many stipulations within the 36,465 page bill, such as the construction workers must be of Islamic faith, and that the mosque, although built for Muslims, must also hold multi-faith events and actively welcome diversity.

Every new mosque built with government funds must also have an audible, distinct speaker system to adequately broadcast the Islamic call to prayer. The call must be loud enough to be heard from at least three blocks away from the mosque.

Pres Obama held a quick press conference. He did not take questions, but he extensively commented on the new mosque-building program. “We’re going to be helping out our Muslim folks get a foothold in this country. A mosque is a very expensive thing to build, so we’re going to fully fund the construction costs for ten of them over the next couple of years.”

White House reporters jumped in to ask questions, but Obama held up a hand. “Listen,” he said, “there are tens of thousands of Christian churches in America, but very few mosques for our Muslim friends to worship. As of right now, they have very few places they can peacefully practice their faith. Our plan is two-pronged. We will be promoting religious diversity in our great country, and we will be putting people to work.”

Notorious and exiled psychologist and philosopher Hubert Humdinger (hum – din – jur) said Obama’s plan to fund mosques in America is a great step forward, but that Congress would never support such an action because Congress is, by and large, a bunch of bigots. “Congress hears Muslim,” Humdinger said, “and they’re done. That’s the no vote right there.”

Humdinger also thinks the Obama administration needs to start spending hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild infrastructure and other projects that will bolster the nation at home instead of destroying nations abroad. “But what do I know,” Humdinger said, chuckling, “I’m just an old psychologist.”