Dear Dirty America

MICHAEL J BLAIR
Perthshire, Scotland

This is just a quick look at the main runners and riders involved in the UK general election coming to a television near you in the jolly old month of May.

I can hear you yawning at the prospect of more politicians lying their way round Britain, so soon after the Independence referendum in Scotland, but wait, I’m going to try to make the whole tedious business as entertaining as humanly possible.

How, you ask, will I be able to achieve any levity in this, one of the greatest borefests in christendom? Well if you have seen some of the party leaders, you can see the possibilities for hilarity are infinite.

We should begin with the main UK parties. 

First we have David Cameron, the Prime Minister and leader of the Conservative party,one of the most slippery political characters seen in recent years. He oozes insincerity with great panache and is always “doing the right thing” but usually for himself. He is the result of an Eton College education and its attendant good connections. He tells us he’s just like the rest of us, but couldn’t be further away if he was leading the country from the International Space Station! I will expand on him at a later date.

Next in the line-up is Ed Miliband, leader of the Labour party. This is a man who’s greatest success has been to stab his own brother in the back to gain the leadership of the shambles which is the Labour party. How he must wish he had allowed brother David to be leader! He has an awkwardness about him which makes Bambi on ice look graceful and elegant. He was pictured attempting to eat a bacon sandwich, and looked as if he was eating a triple dog turd on coconut matting. This is not a good thing!

Next in the pecking order is Nick Clegg, the leader of the Liberal Democrats. They are currently in coalition with the Conservative party. Merrily going back on every promise made at the last General Election. Nick Clegg would happily say anything to stay in a position of power. This is not something that the Liberal Democrats have experienced in around one hundred years, so he is prone to doing very fast about-turns in policy!

He is very smooth and at the last election, he was the most liked in the televised Leader debates. This resulted in a huge surge in the opinion polls, but wasn’t reflected in the actual election, where the Liberals lost seats instead of winning!

The only other party leader worth mentioning in England is Nigel Farage of UKIP, the United Kingdom Independent Party. There main policy is to take Britain out of the European Union and restore the Great in Great Britain.

Mr Farage is no fool, but is really a walking caricature. He is usually seen smoking cigarettes…. Major shock, horror! Drinking beer…. Minor shock, horror! He wears tweeds and a flat cap and looks like a country gent. He appeals to people who feel disenfranchised from the mainstream political parties. He is an unashamedly opportunistic person and hugely ambitious, although he tries to laugh off such talk!

We now move smoothly to the leaders of the Scottish political parties. 

First in line is Nicola Sturgeon, leader of the SNP and First Minister. Yes, Scotland is led by an actual woman! She’s become very fashion conscious since she became leader. The dress hems have risen a little and the heels a wee bit higher. Her makeup looks like it’s been applied by some industrial process and it never varies. She never has a hair out of place and always seems to be in control. The friendly smile belies fierce political ambition!

Mr Murphy

Next, we have the new Scottish Labour leader, Jim Murphy. A self proclaimed man of the people and about as exciting as watching cow shit decompose. This is not a man who inspires confidence in anyone except the 17 remaining diehard Labour supporters left in Scotland. He also has something of a cadaverous look about him with a hint of Okapi thrown in! He can’t save the sinking ship, which Scottish Labour has become.

The Scottish Conservative and Unionist Party are led by Ruth Davidson, another woman. Which is in itself is quite remarkable but she is also a lesbian. This is probably the last political party anyone would have expected to have a gay leader. I can hear old Tories spluttering into their gin and tonics and muttering “outrageous”!

Although appearing quiet, she, like Ms Sturgeon, is much tougher than the flashing smile suggests. She has a huge job on her hands getting any Conservative candidate elected to Westminster. The only one they have, is looking like he will lose his seat at the election.

The Scottish Liberal Democrat leader is Willie Rennie. A man who has taken anonymity to new and uncharted levels. I would write more about him but, there’s nothing worth saying!

So, there we have the main characters in the race to find the most successful liars in Britain. Next time I will try to explain why we have a Scottish Parliament plus one at Westminster. Or maybe not. I’m already beginning to weep at the thought.

PS: There is some kind of wrangle going on over televised leadership debates. Some people apparently want to hear what these people have to say before they vote. These people should be locked up for their own safety!

I’m of the opinion that the less we see and hear from these professional liars, the more chance there would be of people voting.

ALSO BY MJ BLAIR

Doomed or Idyllic: Scottish independence debate caught between rabid utterings from opposite camps

State spying in the name of terrorism

Surveillance society: one nation under CCTV

[photo of Cameron and wife at polling station from Rsloch; Election betting poster photo from Alan Stanton; Jim Murphy photo from the UK Government]