Dear Dirty America

I received a highly confidential, insider’s report that the leader of the Hermit Kingdom, Kim Jong-Un, reportedly clapped his hands upon hearing the latest celebrity gossip out of America. Big celebrity wedding. Big newspaper headlines.

Supposedly the Eternal Leader said with great delight, “Well, then, good for Charlie Mansoon. He get finally married after many many years struggle!” When one of Un’s advisors told him there would be no conjugal visits allowed for Charles Manson, even if he was married,  the great ruler’s face contorted like he “was sucking the heart out of a lemon.”

“America,” said Kim Jong-Un, “bunch of dirty tyrants. You don’t sour man’s marriage bed no matter what.”

Of course he learned this information from Dear Dirty America, one of the few American-based websites accessible by the population of North Korea. The fascinating history of how the most isolated nation on earth came to adore this website is detailed in an article titled “Transrealism from the Hermit Kingdom“.

My source also revealed that before Un closed the discussion on the Manson matter, he said, “And here I thought Americans were worried about Ebola. You never can predict what it’ll be next.”

Charlie’s Good for Business

You know who butters your bread. Well, Charles Manson’s name and perceived reputation butters DDA’s. Every time the media-proclaimed hippie cult leader makes the news, our daily views spike off the charts. We gain new readers and unique visitors. So, thank you, Charlie Mansoon.

credit: Daily Truffle

What helps even more is that Manson’s supposed wife-to-be goes by the name Star. The keywords in the previous sentence still haunt the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce because of a tiny news article published in the later summer of 2011.

The news article, first released on Yahoo! Voices (which no longer exists) was called “Charles Manson to Receive Star on Hollywood Walk of Fame”. The subtitle read, “For his contribution to music.”

It was meant to be funny and informative. Some would call it satirical. But when we live in a nation populated by nitwits who believe anything and everything they see and read as long as the platform appears professional, some of the more obvious humorous articles become controversial.

A massive street campaign began. People hung posters protesting the infamous Charles Manson Hollywood star. Activists took to podcasts to decry the immoral, baseless stance of Hollywood. “Typical Hollywood,” people wrote on Twitter, “to give a serial killer a star!” Change.org collected signatures to stop the Walk of Fame.

It was a shining moment in meaningless Hollywood history. Yet, the pressure was on. The director of the Walk of Fame blasted out a Tweet, saying she couldn’t even take a vacation because people were calling, emailing, and blowing up her Twitter account. “NO, we aren’t giving Charles Manson a star!!!” she wrote.

And yet some other people, quite serious in nature, asked, “Well, why not?”

O, the soul-crushing irony

I remember thinking, Don’t these people have lives? Are they really that concerned about a man who has spent the majority of his years on the planet in prison or juvenile halls getting a stupid star plastered into a grimy sidewalk on a street in a city built on the labor of exhausted imaginations and a lack of morals and values?

The crack has since been fixed

It’s not so shocking. Pretend you’re walking along Hollywood Boulevard. You’re reading the filthy names as they pass beneath you. Britney Spears…Pat Sajak…Charles Manson…Doris Day. Wait, what?

The experiment fascinated me. It also tickled pink a little known, or barely remembered exiled cultural philosopher named Hubert Humdinger, who lives in an undisclosed area in Northern Europe.

I asked the old philosopher if he’d heard about the famous Manson wedding in the news. “How can you miss it?” he asked over our shaky Skype connection. “I saw it six hundred times already on every news site I checked. The Israeli-Arab relation is about to boil over. Russia and NATO are going toe to nuclear toe. The richest fifth of all Americans hold 88.9 percent of the wealth. And Charlie Manson is getting hitched,” he said.

I asked if he was outraged. Almost everybody on Twitter wrote the same phrase depicting what they thought was soul-crushing irony, and then, because it was so very clever, the Huffington Post wrote it as a headline the next day, “If a Serial Killer Can Get Married, Why Can’t Gay Couples?”

“Get off the guy’s back already,” Humdinger said, shaking his head. He blew his nose into an off-white hankie draped across the arm of his office chair. “Tell those fools to get out and hug a tree or something.

“If George W Bush can live a safe and pleasant upper scale life in Texas without being tortured and terrorized for his criminal acquiescence in the neocon plot to topple Iraq and the rest of the Middle East, where over a million people have died so far from direct or indirect complications of a military invasion, then he should be a priority in the minds of these louse turds protesting the marriage of an old man who was found guilty of conspiring to have people killed forty years ago.

“If that war chicken Hillary Clinton can make millions speaking on college campuses to impressionable young men and women, and go on lucrative book tours without any incident, then your country has a massive imbalance.

“If Dick Cheney can continue to live the life as a global elite because of a genetically modified pig’s heart wired into his chest, then what worries you about Charles Manson?”