Dear Dirty America

There is very little comfort to be had when survivalist bloggers crank up the rhetoric about how the Yellowstone super volcano might blow at any moment. All other fears are put in check.

Falling into a deep sleep these days is hard enough. It’s easy to catch a few cat naps throughout the day, but forget about dropping into the healing rhythms of true Rapid-Eye-Movement rest. Those hallowed days are over. We’re steeped in paranoia over natural disasters, political corruption, corporate threats to our wages and livelihoods, and Al Gore keeps flying around the world in his private jet, blasting carbon into the sky, to demand everybody lessen their global footprints.

Google’s stated that their main mission on this planet is to get an unyielding grip on the collective digital testicles of the world and have all household devices, computers, and phones plugged into the one controlled network that will have an official government kill switch, and will be heavily taxed. All electricity will be monitored and there will be a quota for how much can be used each month. All currencies will be digital.

If you resist the system, you will simply be cut out of the grid. Through lowered wages and increased taxation, people in the suburbs and living in the country will be forced into the cramped confines of the US’s major cities, or “megaregions”. States and counties will be a thing of the past. Instead, there will be 21 ‘ecoregions’ or ‘biosphere reserves’. Cities will be retrofitted for the upsurge in population, to support high-density living in what will be known as ‘sustainable communities’, sometimes known also as ‘slums’. Single-family homes will not be allowed. Private transportation will long ago have been banned.

The United States, with its population removed from the outlying areas, will be free to turn back into wilderness, where only ‘wildlife managers’ will be allowed, as well as certain elite, like Dick Cheney, so he can go hunting unencumbered. There will be no foraging for food allowed in the wild, no matter how desperate or impoverished the serfs in the cities become, because that land, once owned by individuals, will have been handed over to the world’s largest corporations and energy companies. All activity will be monitored through satellite or undetectable mounted cameras equipped with facial recognition. Trespassers will be shot on sight or obliterated by predator dr0nes under the full protection of the NDAA bill.

In closed off, private cities the very elite and privileged will live, free from the oppression of needing to hire workers and pay them living wages. Robots and advanced technology will handle most of the menial tasks. Life extension will be available within the private Xanadu.

Ninety percent of the world’s population will then be unnecessary. Superfluous. Meanwhile, the lucky ones with jobs in the tightly confined cities will produce only the necessary goods and carry out the needed services to keep human civilization running at its newly efficient levels as outlined by the sustainable development platforms decreed by the United Nations.

“Humans beings are important!” will be the official slogan. “Sadly, you’re not all needed!” In less than half a century, billions will have died from sickness, violence, malnutrition, and squalor. “A more efficient world!” Maurice Strong will exclaim. He will be nearly 150 years old by then.

“They’re running for their lives”

But all of these fears will be meaningless if the rumors out of Yellowstone National Park have any merit to them. All plans, from Agenda 21 to your two-week getaway from work will be derailed.

The animals are fleeing the park. “Herds of bison running for their lives on the public roadways and they were not being chased or rounded up…. They detect something vast and deadly. The Yellowstone Supervolcano is the only thing that would fit the bill,” said a self-described Ohio survivalist.

Loping and ambling in one king hell line that stretches down the mountain slopes and onto the highways of Wyoming. Authorities say this has nothing to do with the recent increase in price for the day pass. “The animals are exempt from any sort of charges or fees that apply when visiting Yellowstone,” one helpful ranger told Dear Dirty America in an exchange for anonymity. “But why they are leaving, well, the hell if we know. We can’t hardly ask them to stay.”

If Yellowstone erupts, the world will be covered in ash. The sun will be blotted out, North America will be dark for months. Planes will be grounded. Crops will wilt. Food production will halt. The water will be contaminated. Los Angeles will become a breeding ground for cannibalism.

Even the Hollywood stars will have to resort to the most heinous acts of survival. Imagine squatting next to Lindsay Lohan while she expertly roasts, over a sputtering fire, strips of Kim Kardashian’s buttocks.

“It’s all plastic!” she’ll say and spit into the flames with disgust. “We can’t eat this garbage.” Sadly, it had looked so tasty in real life, before the super volcano changed our lives.

Gun owners will run out of ammunition popping their weapons into unending crowds of bewildered masses and organized gangs of survivalists siphoning gasoline from parked vehicles, and breaking into houses and apartments searching for food and water.

The only consolation would be for those who know a little about politics, and realize that former vice president Richard “Dick” Cheney and his implanted pig’s heart, who resides for most the year in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, would have been blown to shreds with enough force to not only obliterate his body, but to firmly splatter his soul to the walls of Lucifer’s haunted mansion in the swirling abyss found in the astral realm’s lower energy fields.

On a lighter note, it’s possible that there’s very little reason to worry about the Yellowstone supervolcano in our lifetimes, or the lifetimes of our progeny for another ten or hundred thousand years, as the Geological Service saps the fun right out of the fear and offers a sort of reprieve to anyone ratcheted up from reading the survivalist bloggers:

“Any renewed volcanic activity at Yellowstone would most likely take the form of such mainly nonexplosive lava eruptions. An eruption of lava could cause widespread havoc in the park, including fires and the loss of roads and facilities, but more distant areas would probably remain largely unaffected.”

If that’s true, then our other problems don’t seem quite so ominous. We can fight the bastards for higher wages, more workers’ rights, fewer abuses by corporations, continued freedom and equality online, and demand a dignified standard of living. Rather than finding ourselves in the boxing ring fighting God, it’s only Joe Frazier. He’s tough, he’s brutal, but at least he’s human.

[photos from Wikimedia Commons — campfire flames by Louis Waweru]