Dear Dirty America

PULP WIRE

Senator John McCain made headlines when he sneaked across Turkey’s border into Syria to meet with the leaders of the Free Syrian Army. The senator is the highest ranking official to meet with rebel fighters since the civil war broke out in Syria two years ago.

While McCain’s meeting with the Free Syrian Army’s Supreme Military Council leader was cordial and informative, new underground intelligence reports indicate there is a grim possibility one of the rebels may have inconspicuously given the elderly, high-ranking American politician a death tap that could have easily been disguised as a friendly series of pats to the chest and back.

Intelligence officials have not made public the possibility that Senator McCain suffered a death tap. He is said to be in good health, but as one anonymous official told reporters, “Death taps are tricky buzzards because depending upon the method, the effect of it may not be apparent for a few days, weeks, or months.”

McCain’s heart rate and nervous system are being closely monitored by a personal team of medical experts (not in death taps, but in determining minute dysfunctions within the body).

“A true testament to the Maverick’s legacy is how he keeps shooing away the doctors,” the official said. “John McCain is very vocal about not believing in death taps.”

There is no real evidence that Senator McCain is under any danger, but a senior intelligence officer did begin thinking on the trip back to Turkey that one of the rebel leaders employed a “peculiar pitter-patter with his fingers” across the Maverick’s right shoulder and around to his back. He consulted with the rest of the intelligence team and decided that what he’d seen was a possibility.

Historically, death taps were the ploys of Chinese martial arts fiction, but there is reason to believe the concept exists in the real world, as well. By applying quick pressure to susceptible points in the central nervous system, an attacker can effect a delayed injury, or even death to his opponent.

During the meeting, there was reportedly a lot of hand clasping and back-patting. The rebels were dismayed the United States was not more willing to back their cause by supplying them with heavy weapons and a no-fly zone. Many of the Free Syrian Army leaders had traveled from surrounding areas to visit the senator. They sat, slouched in chairs positioned around McCain, and each asked his blessing for their cause to overthrow Assad’s government.

“They don’t understand why we won’t help them,” McCain has since told Anderson Cooper in the first interview since he left Syria. But there was no public mention of the death tap.

Will John McCain suddenly collapse? Will his heart explode on the floor of the Senate? It’s a waiting game for him and his family.