Dear Dirty America

CRAWFORD, TX – One of former president George W. Bush’s longtime butlers is presumably out of a job tonight, and a top secret plan to be carried out by a prominent animal DNA testing laboratory has been thrust into the light.

The details are hazy and so unusual you might swear they’ve come out of an old science fiction novel.

“I don’t know who they are, exactly,” Marvin Nolo, Bush’s butler, told reporters, “but they contacted Mr. Bush about receiving a sample of his DNA to be used in creating a human / animal hybrid. Two men in white lab coats were let in through the security gates and I was told to let them into the house.”

From there, Mr. Bush apparently greeted the two men and they followed him into the bathroom to collect the coveted sample. “They had to be there every second watching to make sure the sample was pure and not tampered with,” said Nolo, a man who has served important and famous figures throughout his lifetime career as butler. The sample, according to Nolo, would be used to artificially inseminate an attractive, smart female chimpanzee.

Mr. Nolo, so spooked by a conversation he’d heard the former president have over the phone a few days prior to the men showing up at the ranch, knew he had to blow the lid on the story when they actually came to collect.

“Mr. Bush and whoever was on the other line talked a lot about the usage of a skinny, vibrating metal rod that would stimulate the prostate and make Mr. Bush’s DNA sample easily rendered,” he said. The former president would be allowed to keep the stimulation device.

Bush and the mysterious caller discussed the details of the project. “Nine months of gestation period in the chimp’s womb, just like a human. Mr. Bush was very curious to know what his contribution would give to the offspring, what it would be called, and, finally, what good a humanoid chimpanzee would be to science and society.”

Usually you got to buy a good woman lunch before you can get her pregnant, the former president supposedly joked. But maybe I’m glad you folks are handling the dirty end of the business.

But why the 43^rd president? What is the sample for? The details are still trickling in, but Nolo has shared what he knows.

“They, the company, it’s run by the U.S. government through an animal testing laboratory…they wanted Mr. Bush’s sperm,” Nolo said, stuttering, “DNA, I mean, because the men said he’s at the perfect and rare intelligence level to bridge the gap between a chimp and a human’s consciousness.”

In other words, Nolo further explained, the scientists wouldn’t have wanted Albert Einstein’s DNA, had he still been alive, because such a high level of intelligence and conscious awareness would have blown the chances of developing a chimpanzee with a raised level of consciousness.

“Basically,” the frenzied butler said, “the monkey and the man can’t be too far apart on the intelligence scale. There’s got to be common ground in order to build a bridge.” The end goal, Nolo thinks, is to create a sort of sentient slave smart enough to take orders and carry out basic physical tasks, but not conscious enough to complain. Much like the Bush Jr. presidency, he added. “Fuck it,” he then said and shrugged, “I’m out of my job anyway.”

Nolo said he would be forced to find a new job, if that were possible, after he exposed the secret plot. Government shouldn’t be mixing humans with animals, Nolo thinks, and it’s worth whatever blowback he receives as a whistleblower. He also mentioned he won’t miss the job. There’s that ugly black heart in the jar on the mantel above the fireplace, and other creepy artifacts and lore that surround the Bush family. All of which he’s happy to escape.

The Bush family has not released a statement of any kind, but the butler says the former president is deeply embarrassed and feels duped by the whole plan. “I heard him say he was doing it for his ‘legacy’.” He is very stressed, as he gets older, about leaving a better legacy.