Dear Dirty America

PULP WIRE

WASHINGTON – White House spokesman Jay Carney leveled with members of the press corps about the recent fiasco that had Republican John Boehner storming out of the White House. Boehner had arrived early for a private ‘fiscal cliff’ discussion with President Obama, but instead caught a powerful whiff that he later described as, “a bit of funk and fart.”

The strange smell was wafting from beneath the door of the Roosevelt conference room where Boehner and the president were set to meet to have another fruitless talk. Boehner instantly hinted to reporters why he’d left the White House in such a huff, and about what the smell could be. Critics say he’s being overly aggressive since his position as Speaker is being challenged from within the Republican Party.

To quiet the subsequent storm, Carney stated that while the Obama administration would be considering legal action against the ‘marijuana states’, they did not want to be reckless or hasty in taking action.

“The president, his attorney general, and the rest of his legal team haven taken extra time and care before considering a legal movement against Colorado and Washington’s marijuana initiatives. In short, the administration is against legalized pot. To further explain what House Leader Boehner smelled that day, the answer is simple. The president and his men had determined that they must,” and at this moment, Carney made air quotes, “‘test the product’ in question.”

The time had apparently slipped by unnoticed and the president’s meeting with Speaker Boehner had sneaked up on him. Carney admitted that time can even get away from the president, and that he shouldn’t be held up to superhuman standards.

Lastly, Carney assured the press that the president did not want to be seen as a hypocrite on the issue. “While I won’t say Mr. Obama will try anything once,” he said, “I am here to assure all Americans that he is, after all, a very fair man.”

As if predicting the chaos that would erupt on Twitter, Carney assured the media that the testing session had taken place without any music or munchies, but was carried out in a thoughtful, methodical manner. In other words, the president reflected on presidential things.

“This isn’t about fun, nor is it an endorsement for the product. The president wants to analyze for himself and the relevant members of his administration the strength of the product, and relative levels of inebriation. With that experience, the White House can then charge forward decisively, while fully understanding the atmosphere,” he said.

The White House would not comment on if they had more testing sessions planned.