Dear Dirty America

NEW YORK — In another political disappointment, on Wednesday the long-awaited test results for Conservatol®have been deemed a failure.  The drug was developed shortly after a study indicated that partisanship originates in certain parts of the brain.  It was designed to encourage development of the amygdala, or ‘conservative part’ of the brain.

While initial experimentation seemed promising, trial runs in key counties ahead of the American general elections in 2012 proved inconclusive.  While people dosed with the pharmaceutical showed slight improvement in the areas of traditional morality and fiscal austerity, the fear functions their newly enhanced amygdalae controlled were drastically altered.  After seven months of regular dosing, by election day affected voters apparently became too frightened to leave their houses.

“There were Mexicans everywhere,” recalls one shaken subject, an Isaac Cruthers of Essex County, Virginia.  “And come Tuesday morning, the sky was just so blue – it was horrible.  By the time the sun set and it was safe to leave, the polls had already closed.”

A spokesman for House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) expressed disappointment in the results.  “We’d expected higher voter turnaround than we’d gotten.  We knew Romney would be a hard sell, but even drugs couldn’t get people to vote for him.”

Following the election, several Super Pac organizations have pooled together their remaining funds – a Super Super Pac called Preserve America’s Elephants – with the intention of pushing for minority status.  Said its director Pam Scellion, “This just proves that we have a predisposition from birth.  Conservatism isn’t a choice, it’s biological.  And now that we’re a minority, we have to get protected status, to prevent discrimination and persecution for who we are.”

The fight has already begun, with cause supporters on pinpricks awaiting the case results for Teresa Wagner, who is suing the University of Iowa College of Law over political discrimination.  She contends that they passed up her application for a teaching position because of her conservative views.

Scellion is upbeat.  “This sort of thing happens every day in America, hard-working creators and earners being discriminated against by the government.  It’s high time we turn it around in our favor, start loading up the universities with a quota of good, right-thinking Americans,” she says brightly, referring to the PAE’s goal to utilize the benefits of Affirmative Action.  “And if that fails, we’ll begin working on getting UN Nonmember State status.  Preliminary talks indicate that we’d already have the backing of Myanmar, Greece, and most of Northumbria.”