Dear Dirty America

(get your free copy of this book here, or read another excerpt here)

The Prophet campaigned on the slogan “Let’s Put America On A Diet!”—and won. By a landslide. Within six months the Amendment passed by unanimous consent of all fifty states, except for Vermont. A real disgrace, that. Apparently some quack doctor, a member of that state’s General Assembly, probably high on barley or wheat or whatever the food users pop up there, abstained from the vote in protest, making the absurd claim that consuming food is necessary to life.

You might as well say that drinking a bottle of gin every day is necessary to life. Or snorting cocaine. Shooting up heroin. I mean, come on, you know? Anyway, he got his due. A group of Vermont’s leading citizens, enraged at this blot on their state’s reputation, burned the man’s house down, raped his wife and shot his dog. I’m sorry? It’s a traditional American way of showing disapproval. Don’t worry, though. The dog survived. 

I see you shaking your head. Now, I know it’s hard for some of you ferrners out there to understand the innovative ideas coming out of the New World. Backward Old World types like yourself—no offense—well, you’ve been addicted to food for thousands of years. In America, or “Air,” as I should say, the name got changed by the Amendment, we’ve got the chance to do things differently. To do things right.Make a better life for ourselves and our children. 

The Prophet rode a mandate into office, and he wasted no time in spending his political capital. In making that better life come true for all Airitarians. He declared a Global War on Fat. 

As soon as he moved into the Thin House, he ordered all supermarkets bulldozed, all restaurants demolished, all farmers forbidden to cultivate under penalty of death. By the time the Amendment passed, the Prophet’s crop-dusting program was well under way. The entire Air Force, stealth bomber and all, was equipped with aerial spraying equipment and billions of tons of the most potent herbicide available. Twelve months ago today he celebrated the sterilization of the last square inch of arable land in the country: a tiny crack in a sidewalk in Baltimore, where grass had sprouted between the concrete slabs. And don’t think he kept anything aside for himself, either. The Prophet has always led by example. He personally put on a space suit and sprayed the Thin House lawn, making sure that every last flower in the Rose Garden was dead. 

I told you, I’m not going to take any questions until the—what? Excuse me? People starving in Africa… Why don’t we send our food to Africa? If we don’t want it, they’ll eat it. You know, it’s questions like this that piss me off. I’m sorry to use the p-word like that, but it makes me so mad. What’s happening in Africa is a tragedy, but it’s not our fault. We sent them missionaries. To show them a new way of life. Air-eating is sustainable regardless of drought. It doesn’t matter if it rains or not. 

And what did they do? What did those ungrateful Africans do? Strapped down our young men and women and force-fed them cornmeal mixed with soybean oil and sugar. You understand? They tortured our missionaries. So forgive me when I say, if people are starving in Africa, it’s their own goddamn fault. There, I used the g-d-word, see what you made me do. 

No, I don’t want any water. I am calm. 

Listen, I’ll tell you what is a problem that worries me. Illegal emigration. These people are slowly destroying our country. It’s like they want to be slaves to their digestive systems. I feel sorry for them. This is why we’ve sealed our borders. Why sentries patrol the no-man’s-land with Mexico, with orders to shoot to kill anyone trying to escape over that wall or wade the Rio Grande. These people must not be allowed to reach the taco and burrito stands that line the Mexican side of the river. 

This may seem extreme to some of you, but I assure you it’s a question of freedom. Every citizen of the US of Air is born with the inalienable right to be free. Free from addiction to food. But some people, hardened food terrists, most of them, reject freedom. They refuse to be free. I tell you now, the Prophet will not rest until everyone is free, no matter what the cost in blood or treasure.

To read the rest of The United States of Air, get your free electronic copy here. The offer ends on Guy Fawkes Day. Also, read an interview with JM Porup, here.