Dear Dirty America

Can anything go right for the Romney campaign? After a year of blunders and gaffes made by Mitt, his wife has now been dealt a campaigning setback. From a Legitimate Source:

Mrs. Romney has been campaigning hard for her husband, with some bumps in the road. She had minor surgery on her right hand recently, making it difficult for her to shake hands, the Nevada station reported.

Everybody knows its shaking hands and kissing babies that means the most on the campaign trail. That and not telling auto workers in Detroit that you’re a fan of their work, because your wife drives two Cadillacs. Or telling a crowd of NASCAR fans that yes, you too are a fan because some of your friends own NASCAR teams.

Mrs Romney’s special team of assistants and fluffers (those who apply Ann’s makeup and brush her teeth for her) say the possible future First Lady is particularly distressed about her mangled right hand.

“She’s got good forearms,” Olivia Bastile, a prominent member of Mrs Romney’s staff, said. “Strong, muscular, thick. Her hand has attractive veins bulging through. She’s got a great squeeze. Ann Romney could choke a chicken to death no problem. But we’re really losing out since she can’t give a decent shake.” It’s the worst kind of irony, Bastile admitted.

In truth, Ann Romney can’t shake at all. Everybody knows how important pressing flesh is, especially as November looms. Ann Romney could use her left hand and press enough of the fleshy stuff to suit the desires of her and her husband’s campaign, but that is a risky move the Romneys have decided not to pursue.

“The left hand shake is awkward,” Ms Bastile said. She demonstrated on another fluffer, who at first still tried to shake Ms Bastile’s left hand with his right. He saw the mix-up, but it was too late to correct it. A weird energy suddenly came between them, and both fluffers dropped their hands to their sides.

“Do you see?” Olivia asked. “How strange it is to shake with the left hand. The right hand is a symbol of power and confidence. What would people say about Mrs Romney if she was constantly offering her left hand?”

People in India would take that as an insult, because in that land it is with the left hand by which they wipe their butts. And which hand does Mrs Romney use in that delicate situation? Neither. Her fluffers also take care of that element of their Lady’s cleanliness and hygiene.

But would it matter so much in the United States if Ann was out there shaking with her left? Ms Bastile said, “Did you not see my demonstration? People automatically reach out with their right and muddle it all up. Nobody shakes with their left. The Romney campaign cannot suffer another hit.”

Perhaps Mother Jones would jump on it and blow it into something egregious. A headline like: Mrs Romney Shakes With Inferior Left Hand: A Sign of Frustration In the Campaign? Or, Romney’s Right Hand Blunder: Ann’s Strong Grip Going To Waste. Or, The Great Shakeup: Why Ann Romney’s Right Hand Could Lose Her Husband the election.

According to Ms Bastile, GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney is shaking more hands than usual to make up for his exuberant wife’s lack. “But Mitt doesn’t really like to shake hands that much. He doesn’t mind giving speeches to people, but he hates to get his hands sweaty and covered with germs.”

Another question people have is, does Ann Romney really make that big of a difference in this campaign? “Absolutely,” Olivia said, “because frankly, very few people like her husband. People like Mrs Romney. Millions of Americans can identify with her as a mother and a strong woman. They want to be reached out to by her. Just not with her left hand.”

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