Dear Dirty America

Celebrity Gobbler here. Your one stop shop for all things celebrity. It’s been a long time since I’ve contributed to Dear Dirty America — I’ve been out with Lupus since late last year. The last time I wrote an article was around August, about how NFL players should be honored like gods because, as I’ve always said celebrities are sent from Heaven. Today, I’ve been goaded into sharing my valued opinion about celebrities and politicians at the White House’s Correspondent’s Dinner.

It feels so good to stretch these stiff fingers. From the ‘f’ button to the ‘r’ to the ‘o’ and down to the ‘m’. I’m a slower typer than I was last year, but I’ll get into the swing of it again.

Mr Luebke (the editor of this weird blog) sent me an email about Tom Brokaw’s disdain for the Correspondent’s Dinner. He basically said that if you attend you lose your soul, but that’s so far from the truth I’m ashamed to call Brokaw a colleague of mine. He said the dinner is for celebrities to talk to politicians about who had the best party, and who met whom. Well, duh….

The White House’s celebrated dinner is for those who have the most soul. It’s for super-celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber. If you aren’t a celebrity, you can’t get into the dinner unless you’re a janitor or something like that, but that doesn’t count because you shouldn’t be able to eat the good food or laugh at the hilarious jokes Jimmy Kimmel and Barack Obama made.

I’m going to cut this short since it’s been so long and my brain and typing muscles are frosty. Basically, my interpretation of the Bible says that only celebrities make it to Heaven. Moses, Joshua, Samson, Rebekah, and so on. If you’re not at least a tiny bit of a celebrity, you can’t be saved when you die, or if the end of the world comes first and you’re still living. Since the end of the world is so near (I honestly thought it was May 21 of last year) you’ve seriously got to do all that you can to get some celebritydom, or else you won’t be saved.

The logic is simple, yet so many people don’t understand. Jesus was sent to earth by God. Jesus became the ultimate celebrity because he used his charm, his wits, his creativity, his intelligence, and before long he was on every Roman TV set holding up the Bible and spreading the good word. He hit such a level of stardom that he was taken back to Heaven. The non-celebrities killed him first, of course, but that was God’s plan. God just wanted Jesus back. He was anxious to meet such a phenomenon.

That’s how the people who get invited to the WH Correspondence dinner should think of themselves and that’s how those of you non-celebrities should understand the process. Barack Obama is a celebrity just as much as Johnny Depp is one. They will both be in the upper eschelons of Heaven when they die. Barack Obama is almost to Jesus’ status, and when he is, I’m sure he will be taken up one way or another.

So what is Tom Brokaw talking about? My charming little head can’t figure it out. If he’s not careful, he’ll lose his celebrity and his seat in Heaven if he’s going around blasting other super-celebrities.

If most of this doesn’t make sense to you yet, it’s because you probably aren’t a celebrity. But you can read more about how to get to Heaven by becoming a celebrity, here.

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