Dear Dirty America

“The Indians came riding over a hill, and my youngest brother pointed at them. My father was talking at the time, showing us a new quarter of land he’d recently purchased. Everybody stood real still. We were terrified, and we had walked too far from the truck to get back in time,” the lone survivor told authorities. He is twenty-four years old, and lost his parents and two younger brothers in the attack.

The survivor’s name has not yet been released as his relatives have not all been notified of the tragic attack. Authorities are on the hunt for the band of violent Indians, but they haven’t received enough details to draft facial composite sketches.

“We’re looking for five to ten individuals with leathery tanned skin,” the local sheriff told reporters, “who had painted cheeks and chests, and feathers in their hair. That’s what the victim has given us in the way of details so far.”

“It happened so fast,” the surviving rancher said, “They rode their horses fast as lightning. I’ve never seen anything like it. And then the arrows flew. Father fell first, and then mother got struck in the throat. I fell to the ground, pretended I was dead, and when I opened my eyes again, my family was dead, and the Indians were riding off.”

The rancher also mentioned the Indians sounded like a massive flock of squawking geese. “Terrifying,” he said, “I don’t know why I’m still alive.”

North Dakota hasn’t seen such a catastrophic Indian attack for over two decades. Farmers and ranchers in the Western part of the state have been advised to close their doors and get their rifles in good working order.

Notorious prisoner Charles Manson caught wind of the North Dakota Indian massacre and said, “I knew the Indians were a-coming back. I’m one of them. They never died. They were just regrouping. And now they’re surging across their prairies, reclaiming what’s theirs.”

Manson said the “cold wind is blowing” in America, all those harboring wealth will be diminished and equaled out to save their fellow citizens. Manson hasn’t been in the public eye since late July of last year, when the Hollywood Walk of Fame decided to honor him with a star for his contribution to music.

The award was heavily protested.

DEAR DIRTY AMERICA

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